I just played my keyboard for a long time, as usual, completely by intuition. I have no idea what I’m actually doing, all I know is that music flows out of me and I can’t explain it. I have the same thing with art. The ways that I create these things are by the moment and I don’t think many people/artists/musicians understand it or even appreciate it. It’s not something I can really explain since it’s all from intuition…

Between keyboard sessions I played my djembe drum a little bit too. I don’t know what it is but I feel like I truly lose myself when I create music. The weird thing is, when I play keyboard it brings a lot of what I think are repressed feelings to the surface. Not many other instruments cause me to feel this way. I think keyboard/piano is the instrument that resonates with me. As I just finished playing, for the last 5-10 minutes or so, I started to feel a strong wave of sadness and anger come over me. The more I played, the most I felt it. I tried to channel it by playing harder and with more intensity. Something about the sounds I was playing was like an audio version of very deeply settled emotions that I carry in my core. Of course some of my most familiar emotions have been sadness and anger. That’s not to say that I don’t also feel extreme highs as well, or that I’m less accustomed to them. I’d honestly say it’s split right down the middle, which makes a lot of sense…

When I was playing that keyboard, all of a sudden those strong emotions came up to the surface, as if they were being released through the sounds I was creating. I always tend to play on the lower end of the keyboard, because those sounds resonate with me more. I find them to be more beautiful and expressive. Higher notes can be mixed well with them, but it’s much easier for it to go horridly wrong when you are messing with high notes. The way that I play even reflects my personality. I don’t play simple things. I usually play like 2-3 keys on my left hand and then with my right I generally do more individual key playing. The left hand is usually the base sound, much like the rhythm. The right hand is generally the melody. The strange thing is, as much as I play the same kinds of combinations of sounds, I also go all over the place with speed and intensity.

Metaphorically, this is exactly how I am as a person. I’m really complex and have a lot of layers to me, and I generally bounce all over the place from low to high constantly. I generally go from very calm and euphoric to very hyper/anxious/irritable. I go from very reflective and serious to very energetic and scatter brained. I find it so interesting that the nature of your core is reflected in the things you say/do/create. There’s no way it couldn’t be shown, and the more self-aware you become, the more so many things about yourself seem to become incredibly clear.

Aside from the fact that I’m on an a-typical antidepressant right now (Wellbutrin), I’m still moody as fuck. I definitely don’t plunge as deep as I did before, and my general baseline is higher than what used to be mostly pretty low. Even though I haven’t been technically diagnosed, I’m pretty damn sure I’m Bipolar 2. This means I have primarily depressive episodes, but occasional episodes of hypo-mania as well. Honestly I feel like I’ve spent so much of my life in a mixed state. Mental illness is a large part of my immediate and extended family. I’ve been around a lot of manic behavior and I’ve also been around a lot of depressive behavior. Let’s just say I’m no stranger to very strong and overwhelming emotions fluctuating all of the time, in both my environment and within myself.

When I’m up, I’m one of the most hopeful and creative people around. I feel so excited about all of life and am totally engaged in everything, possibly even too many things. I survey my ENTIRE surroundings, meaning both nature and the people I’m around. My thoughts jump from subject to subject and I can strike up a conversation with anyone. These thoughts are almost entirely about very heavy philosophical and emotional subjects. At these times I feel like I understand all of life and I’m so happy and aware that I don’t even want to sleep. I don’t need much at all to get by at times like these. Normally my mind just really won’t turn off. I draw the most bizarre and creative abstract pictures, made of a rainbow of different colors. I have no plan at all, it just pours out of me. The same will happen when I play music. I have no plan at all, and it’s as if my fingers and spirit take the wheel. Normally at times like these I’m extremely social and I’ll act rather impulsively. Even though for the most part I’ll just feel overly happy and confident, I do also get very rigid and pushy with the things I want to talk about. I can get arrogant and very argumentative, and as a result will find myself getting in a lot of fights with people.

When I’m down, the negative thoughts just keep coming one after another. I’ll be so irritable that next to nothing will make me feel like I’m going to internally implode, and the annoyances just keep coming constantly. I’ll end up in a state of pretty much rage, and if anyone gets in my path, they’re going to wish they didn’t. I don’t start arguments with people, but I will disagree with most everything people say and will not really have the ability to hold my tongue. If an argument starts with someone I’m close to or have known for a while, it’s pretty certain that it will get out of hand and I will not stop saying what I’m saying to them. The more they argue with me the more annoyed I get and I’m actually infuriated that they think they have the right to be the one who’s pissed off. It’s hard for me to understand or even care about what they’re saying, because it generally seems to just get worse the more that they talk. I feel like I have to say what I’m saying and argue until everything is out of me, because if I don’t and the fight dissolves without a resolution, I feel I will yet again, internally implode. I will not be able to stop thinking about the argument.

I’ll also feel generally paranoid of everyone’s intentions and will feel distrustful of those around me, even the ones that I’m really close to. I will overanalyze the things they say or do, and think that they are being dishonest in one way or another. I will feel rejected over the most slight things, which most of the time I have created in my head and weren’t even from the actions of other people. Since I’m feeling so intensely, I’ll think that if anyone else is less passionate or involved in whatever is being talked about or happening, is simply losing interest or just doesn’t care about me very much. After I decide in my head that they have different motives, I feel very hurt and rejected, to the point of wanting to bawl my eyes out and isolate myself, and I’ll even start doing things to try to send messages to the person about how I’m feeling. I do things as a test to see if they even care or notice. If they don’t, I’ll end up being very passive-aggressive and will go silent and into a bad mood, and withdraw myself from the situation. I’ll be very pissed at them and they’re usually so fucking confused as to what the hell is going on. If they do notice something is wrong, I still make them dig to try to figure it out themselves, and I make them get to the point where they are overly nice to me until I decide it’s enough.

Believe me, I’m not proud of any of this, nor do I ever plan any of these behaviors. I’m just explaining the way that I think and feel in these states of mind. I’m explaining how it fucks up my relationships with others, ESPECIALLY with boyfriends and very close friends. I’m definitely the most extreme in these ways towards the person I’m dating. I’ve been this way for a very long time, possibly ever since I became old enough to fully take in and understand the level of dysfunction that was occurring in my family on a daily basis. Shit started getting really bad when I was like 10-12, and this was the worst possible time it could’ve gotten more severe. I felt that I was nothing like my peers when I was in school, and it was hard for me to keep it together. My environment caused me to become a person that was unlike most that were around me, and so I began to get bullied pretty badly. I felt incredibly depressed and alienated, even at an age when I wasn’t really old enough to understand myself yet. I wasn’t ready for any of it, and let’s just say that all of that, and all of the drama that continued to go on for a very very long time has made me into the very different and intense person I am today.

I would surely not be the person I am today if it weren’t for all of that, so my feelings on all of this are mixed. At this point I am able to understand a lot of what happened, and I’m also able to understand how in many ways, it made me into a very strong person. I may still be an emotional rollercoaster, but I’m incredibly true to myself, and I’m generally courageous in ways that a lot of my peers aren’t. I never would have gone into Psychology, or even Art so deeply if it weren’t for all that I went through. Psychology was something that most of my life was involved with, being that my family and general life was a living, breathing, constant example of psychological tension and disorder. When I had my first Psych class in high school, I felt I knew everything already. This was like being quizzed on the details of my life growing up. When I went on to major it in college, I felt the same way. Only then I knew A LOT more about it, as life had become more complex and more clear to me in so many ways. Art was one of my vices, which provided me with a means to release and express the overflowing amounts of tension that I felt on a daily basis. It was one of the few things I felt I was actually good at, and I can’t explain how much it gave me purpose and reminded me that there were reasons to stick around.

This post is ridiculously long yet again, but hopefully someone, somewhere, will enjoy reading this and possibly be moved to comment on it.

Dramatic first title, I know. I really can’t think of anything else to title it. It really is “The Beginning” of this new blog, so yeah. I was hesitant at first to make one of these, but I figured it’d be a good way to connect with new people, considering my day-to-day interactions in the real world aren’t as interactive as I’d like. I also don’t want to put up a lot of technical personal stuff on here, like my name or anything like that. I basically want one of these so that I can possibly start journaling again, in a somewhat objective place, but also in a place that I can possibly connect with other people about the things I think about. I’d like to remain somewhat anonymous, even though that seems hypocritical for me to say, since a blog is generally anything but anonymous, but whatever. I just like to write and I certainly don’t do enough of it. I think ALL the time, possibly even too much, so I think a blog would be therapeutic for me.

It definitely isn’t 1:20 in the morning, but I don’t quite know how to fix the time thing yet. It wasn’t really clear. It’s actually 8:20 pm here.

Anyways, I’m pretty open to talking about most anything. I’m really interested in Psychology and Art. This is why I’m a Psych major and an Art minor. If I actually pursue my somewhat serious ambition, I’d like to eventually become an Art Therapist. I find that therapy itself is pretty beneficial, but at times it can also be hard to feel like you’re making any true progress. I’ve been making abstract art (mostly drawings) for a number of years now, and it’s been really therapeutic to me. I don’t know where most of my ideas come from, but all I know is that making art not only occupies my mind, but it also makes me feel like I do have some talents, and I feel that I can almost explore my own mind while doing so. In a world where I often feel like I don’t belong (in terms of with the general public and opinions), taking part in this abstract fantasy world makes me feel more at home. I feel generally bored with the topics that a lot of people around me talk about, and although I’m not always a ray of sunshine, I tend to feel like I’m the neon rainbow crayon in a box full of dark crayons. That might have sounded weird, but really, I’m proving my own point here. I feel like I’m seriously passionate, sensitive, and always thinking, amongst a swarm of numb and shallow people. I don’t mean to sound judgmental here, but it’s just so rare for me to meet anyone that I feel is like me.

Luckily, I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 7 months now, and he’s surely a unique individual. He’s not a neon rainbow crayon like me, but he’s more like a chameleon crayon. He switches back and forth between intense and lighthearted, and through a number of other things as well. This is why we work. We’re both loners, who stand out in a crowd, yet don’t blend in at all. And we wouldn’t even want to. I love him a lot and he’s taught me a lot. We’re very different people in a number of ways, but at our cores, we’re pretty similar souls. He’s an imaginative musician with strong opinions and I’m an imaginative artist with equally strong opinions. I suppose you could call us the “dynamic duo.” I’m lucky to have him, and he’s made a major impact on my life since we’ve met.

I’m glad to be able to see and talk to him a lot, but you can’t have all your eggs in one basket, and I obviously can’t be with or see him all the time. There’s still a fair amount of time where I’m at school or at home, and I don’t really have any solid friends at either place. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ve recently made a new friend in my Art History class, and she’s definitely really cool and intelligent, as well as open-minded. I like her a lot, and we’ve got along pretty well since we’ve met. We’re still getting to know each other, and I’ve only hung out with her one time outside of school. It’s a friendship that’s in the process of developing. I’ve also been hanging out with and talking to another one of my friends from school a lot more recently. I met her in my Abnormal Psych class a couple of years ago. I guess we’re getting closer now. I like her a lot as well, and I look up to her a fair amount. She’s very unique, beautiful, and incredibly intelligent as well. She’s doing a hell of a lot more with her life than I am, and she’s doing a hell of a lot better at it than I am, but I’ve been trying to stop comparing our lives. What I just said is what’s called “social comparison” and it’s definitely not a good thing to do in terms of achieving long-term happiness. I just learned about this in this book I’ve been reading for my Science of Happiness class, and it’s pretty interesting. Basically the point it was making is that it’s not a healthy thing to constantly compare yourself to others, because everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, and everyone is going through different things. It’s just not even truly comparable, really, because everyone is living a unique life (meaning it’s not EXACTLY the same as anyone else’s). Overall, she’s a good person for me to be around. She has high standards and she’s a hardworking person with the constant intention of becoming better at things, and those are really admirable traits to have. Aside from that, I generally enjoy her company, and when I’m with her, I feel a lot less alone in terms of relating to peers and other women my age.

I grew up with two older brothers, my Mom and Dad, and A LOT of dogs/puppies. My brothers and my Dad had the largest influence on me, and had very strong personalities. My mom was there obviously, but she was a lot less influential and didn’t really stand a chance of having a big impact on the conversations in the house. Her and my father were VERY different. She was/is a hardworking ER nurse (with a very traditional and generally conservative mindset), and my father was/is a hardworking self-employed Computer Scientist (with a very unique and generally liberal mindset). Their personalities clashed all the time. The only things they really shared were both being very emotional people, who loved their kids to death, and held on a little too tightly. Both of them have attachment issues, but I can’t get on their case too much about that, because I understand why. Lets just say my family life growing up was pretty intense.

My main point here is that I’ve grown up in a very different way than most of the people I grew up with in this extremely small town, and as a result I’ve grown up feeling a hell of lot in general, and feeling a hell of a lot different from nearly everyone around me. I’m really not girly at all, except for the fact that I like clothes and trying out a ton of different and wild hairstyles. I’m very sensitive and empathetic as well, so stereotypically I guess you could say that’s the most girly thing about me. Other than those things, i’m a lot more like guys. I don’t care for meaningless drama, or anything superficial, really, and sadly to say many of the girls around me are pretty much entirely that. I end up being around a ton of guys and getting along with them a lot better, and it makes sense. Aside from all of that, I just want more contact with people who I can relate to. I’d generally like more consistent friends.

This is an EXTREMELY long post, especially for a first one, but oh well. Basically, I just want to let out the seemingly endless string of thoughts I have, and to have other people to interact with about the same kinds of topics I’m interested in.