I have so many damn thoughts in my head all the time I most definitely should be writing them down daily, not once every several months. I don’t even remember the last time I posted on here.

This is probably going to be very random because that’s another thing that happens often in my brain–random and intense thoughts and realizations. It’s not like I can’t focus or something, because once I’m on a certain topic I think about it until there is no more thinking to be done. Then I move on to whatever the next random thing is.

The past couple of days I’ve been reading a lot about/thinking a lot about spirit animals, i.e. totem animals. Most people think it’s total bullshit but I know it isn’t. Plus I don’t care if people think it is or not so I don’t know why I’m even bringing that up. Anywho, there’s also a difference between your spirit animal and your spirit messenger. I believe I have multiple spirit animals, and I think most people do. Any one person is too complex to only have one. Right now mine is a fox. I’m going back and forth in my head about whether or not this is my actual spirit animal or if it’s a spirit messenger for this point in time. I’m starting to lean towards the former. I’ve come to remember that I have seen foxes randomly much more than any other animal. I can think of several specific times when I’ve seen them and where that was as well. What’s making me more certain about this is that for the past two days I have seen a fox in the daytime. They typically aren’t about during the day. So that makes it unusual right there. Also, today when I saw a fox, I was literally 20 feet away from it and I was on foot. I was JUST thinking about the whole spirit animal thing too, while on my walk. I casually happen to look over to my left and I see a fox slowly running in the other direction. I was so close to it. Yesterday I saw one right at dusk, and it had run across the road. I saw it when I was driving. Last week, I saw a fox too. I was driving down the highway, and it was around dusk. The fox ran right across the highway, which is also a pretty rare thing (usually it’d be a different type of animal like a raccoon or a possum). I remember seeing foxes frequently around the place I grew up.

The one unpleasant experience I had with foxes was when I hit one with my car It was about 2:30 AM. I was driving back home from my brother’s house, and I was going over this part of the road that has a big hill in the middle of it. Right after the hill the road goes downhill. When you are approaching the uphill and the whole time you are on it, you can’t see the rest of the road ahead of you. This time TWO baby foxes were just playing right in the middle of the road. Since I couldn’t see the part of the road where they were at and I was going somewhere around 40 miles/hour (speed limit on that road), I saw them too late to miss them. Also, what was even more weird, was that they each ran in opposite directions. The left one was able to run out of the way, but the one that ran right wasn’t so lucky. I had slammed on my brakes, but I have an old car and the brakes aren’t great. I was able to slow down to like 20 miles/hour, but my car hit the fox that was running to the right. I felt SO horrible. It was so weird that this happened. It didn’t make sense. Why were they playing in the road that late at night? Why wouldn’t they be playing in the tall grasses and fields that were on both sides of them? Also, I’ve never come across multiple animals while driving that were simply just playing on the road. Almost always they are trying to get to the other side and they notice the car coming towards them too late. It just crushed me that this happened. I am an avid animal lover. I am hurt so much by seeing or hearing any animal in pain. Why did it have to be the largest type of animal and one that I love as well? The answer I’m realizing now, is because the fox is my spirit animal. It has showed up in my life on several different occasions, and it’s rare to come across a fox anyways.

I’ve been reading so much about spirit animals. It fascinates me and I wholeheartedly believe what I’ve read. The Native Americans were very wise and I believe they were spot on about what’s to be valued in life. Native American beliefs don’t sound odd or nonsensical to me at all, unlike for most people. I love that they would use every single part of an animal after they killed it. They knew they had to kill animals to survive but they also knew just how sacred animals are, and so they made sure not to waste any part of them. I really wish people would still be that way. I hate the idea of hunting. The fact that people consider it a sport, the fact that most people hunt simply for enjoyment. They cut off the heads of their kills and mount them on walls. They take pictures of them grinning next to the animal they killed. They act like this animal is a conquest of theirs and it is utterly sickening to me. This kind of behavior would never be accepted if it involved only people, i.e. people hunting other people just for fun. I hate that so many people believe that animals are inferior to humans. I hate that people forget we are animals as well. I hate that people believe animals don’t have emotions and that they aren’t capable of thought. What is the basis of this? People need to learn that just because something isn’t glaringly obvious to you or shown right to your face does not mean that it doesn’t exist. There are so many things about life and all that it contains that cannot be seen, heard or put in words. There are so many experiences that different species have that are not the same for other species.

Anyways, I’m so glad that I have my own beliefs and thoughts. I’m so glad that I haven’t fallen victim to other people’s belief systems and I’m so glad that I question everything. I’m glad that I want to understand as much as I can, and I’m glad that I’m also able to withstand being around people or groups that have values that are the opposite of mine without starting an argument with one of them. I cherish my inner world and it has guided me more than anything else. I spent so much of my life having no choice but to have a constant earful of unwanted advice and lectures from my parents. Yes I am opinionated but not in the same way that my parents were–to the point where they were completely closed off from considering different points of view. They were so damn inflexible and close-minded.

I’m glad that I now know that I am the key determinate of my own life. No longer am I a part of the crowd that believes external forces are in control of our lives. No longer am I stagnant in my beliefs and mindsets. Now I am so interested in change. I love change. I love transformation. I find that most of the time it’s positive. I do believe that when you are a kind person and when you keep an open-mind, life will reward you. I’m also glad that I’m not jaded into an imbalanced point of view on the positive end of things. I don’t think that people are bad for doing bad things or that “bad” things are to be completely rid of. Bad things are there for a reason. If we didn’t have the bad we wouldn’t learn about the importance of change or about just how great the good is when we experience it. There are so many people that believe the world is mostly comprised of bad things and that some things/people are just plain evil. I know that the key to enjoying life is to always try to keep it balanced. I believe there are just as many good things in life as there are bad, and that each requires the other to exist. I believe that people are mostly good but I’m also aware that everyone has the ability to do evil/to be a bad person. The thing that I’m getting at is that I believe there is always choice involved. I believe in free will. I believe that the individual has a lot more control over their life and how it turns out than what the media and other people have lead them to believe. I believe that there are some conditions and disorders that will never go away, but I also believe that there’s a lot people can do to cope with these things. I believe there is always room for improvement, but I also believe that some things just plateau and that that’s OK too. No one is perfect, and everyone has a reason for being the way that they are.

I am much more interested in dissecting the factors that lead to someone becoming a certain way and in being empathetic about that, than in fixating on the negative behaviors this person has had in the past or still has now. Everybody has a need for acceptance and love. I believe having a lack of that, and people growing up without having consistent and unconditional love, are the ones who come out damaged. I think that’s the fundamental cause of disorders. I don’t blame the individual. I do think the individual needs to take responsibility for their wrongdoings and needs to try to be better, but I don’t expect the individual to completely eliminate that behavior. As much as I hate when people say this, it makes sense to say now. It’s not realistic to think that people will completely eliminate certain parts of themselves that are there because of some deep rooted issues. I believe that if you give everyone a chance when you first meet them, if you are immediately friendly or atleast nice to a new person, it sets a good foundation. Not only does that person feel comfortable around you and feel warmth coming from you, but typically that person will also show the better sides of themselves to you. I know I’m getting vague here, but I don’t want to go into the details now. I’m interested in the bigger picture of life, but I also knows how important the details are as well. Nothing is to be discarded. OK end philosophical grandiose post HA.