I know this whole thing is likely totally irrational and ridiculous. But that’s how emotions go and I have too many of them so it’s really nothing new to me. It’s 5 am now and I’m fucking seething. I feel so enraged and neglected and only because my boyfriend just spent several hours with one of his really good friends, all the while leaving me alone in what is now (our) room. I thought he would come in awhile ago, but he was out for many hours.

This extremely small thing which likely doesn’t mean anything, just set off a huge set of negative thoughts for the past few hours. Critical thoughts towards myself and towards him. Feeling resentful of the fact that he’d rather be with his friend than me and how it seems like he has so much fun with him but not with me. They laugh so much together. I’m jealous of anyone that can make my boyfriend laugh like that.

I started to think about why he might be choosing his friend over me. I started to find several reasons why I was the cause of this because of my personality. I started to think about how I’m a very critical person, both of myself and towards other people, especially ones I’m close to. I’m also pretty fucking serious too much of the time, and I have next to no tolerance for repetitive fucking stupid jokes and conversations. I complain a lot, a lot of the time I’m dissatisfied or uncomfortable either emotionally or physically or both at the same time. I think I might also come off as arrogant at times, which is hilarious in a way because I have such incredibly low self-esteem.

Any arrogance I emit is just arrogance I internalized from spending so much of my life around the most arrogant, self righteous person I know–my father. He is so convinced that his opinions and thoughts are superior to everyone else’s, he talks down to people a lot, he’s really damn harsh and emotionally abusive, he cuts people off a lot during conversation, he’s mostly just interested in 1 way conversations anyways. He literally expects that no one ever disagree with him and for people to just be passive and listen to him go on and on and on. 

Now I take responsibility for coming off as arrogant, don’t get me wrong. The thing is, I don’t really ever feel like I sound arrogant or am being arrogant, because most of the time I feel like it’s obvious to outside people that I’m low on the confidence scale. A person that mumbles and rambles often, can’t really be arrogant in my opinion. An arrogant person is generally a very aggressive person who speaks excessively loudly and just excessively in general. A person that is mostly concerned with making it clear that they know best and that everyone else is wrong or inferior. I know that in arguments I can get arrogant but even then I have to be TOLD that that’s how I come off before I can ever notice it, and that doesn’t sink in for a long time either. I literally don’t feel I am being any particularly aggressive way in an argument. It’s almost like I entirely channel my father in arguments, I mirror what I saw/heard for so much of my life.

I’m really tired of feeling misunderstood and not liked/wanted, and of feeling like other people are more liked/wanted than I am. Like, in fucking general. I feel I try pretty damn hard to be a nice person but it’s like that fact is overlooked because what people pay attention to is your LOUD, NEGATIVE behavior. Most people are too self absorbed or don’t think very deeply about how other people might truly be or feel. It’s like the surface behavior is enough, when it really isn’t. I’m tired of people not wanting to learn more about other people, tired of so many people seeming to have simple minds with transient and light emotions, tired of people being nowhere near as sensitive as I am. It’s like nobody fucking gets it and I envy how it must be to be emotionally balanced. But at the same time being emotionally balanced sounds fucking boring to me. I like extremes in a way. But of course the negative ones suck and come around too often, and I feel like I wanna punch a hole through a wall or I’ll cry until I can’t anymore–feel like it’s the end of the fucking world and that I’m totally losing it.

I want to be lighter–emotionally, socially, physically, mentally….

But the core of me is anything but that, as I’m composed of mostly dense, heavy thoughts and feelings…and I think that’s a big reason that my actual body feels like a weight to carry. I don’t really know what relaxed muscles are like. Or what walking at a relaxed pace is like without having to try so hard to do so. Or what it’s like to be able to make simple decisions easily, or to be able to get over emotional upsets quickly or easily.

I feel I have to fight myself often, and I don’t often win. Whatever way my emotional/mental self is being at any given moment, governs my behavior. I’m not even a fighting type person. I fucking hate fighting. I hate conflict, tension, other people expressing aggression of any sort. I avoid it at all costs. Part of this is likely because I have enough to battle in my own head whether or not anything is even happening. It would be really stupid and make no sense to confront people all the time or to be assertive about all of the times that I feel mistreated in some way. So instead I just stuff it down with all the other shit. Then after awhile I just implode and have my little mini meltdowns all by myself. It’s better that way.

Trying to resolve actual issues or relationship problems with other people almost never goes smoothly and most of the time I just end up feeling a lot more stressed, pissed, and fucking misunderstood than I felt to begin with.

Alone.

No matter what I always end up feeling alone. Doesn’t matter how many fucking people are around. I feel separated. I feel I can really absorb other people’s emotions but yet I still feel like I’m alone, set apart from everybody else. I think I’ve felt like this for most of my life. Both before and after all of the trauma. I never quite fit in anywhere. As soon as I think somebody else truly understands me and my intentions, something happens that breaks that down. Something happens that reinforces my belief that no one will ever understand me and that I will always be misinterpreted. I will be noticed for my flaws, for my most outward behavior, not for what I really am or for my strengths. The core of me isn’t fully shown because I hide a lot. I repress a lot of my intense feelings and thoughts, in order to keep them from upsetting others. I’d rather hurt myself than anybody else. Yet even though I do all that I can to keep people happy, I still manage to push them away in one way or the other. It’s like the more that I reveal myself the more others move away. And I’m so goddamn complicated and broken up into so many different parts with different traits that I’m sure I confuse the fuck out of people.

I just had a like hour and half long argument with my boyfriend. He suggested we go on a walk together earlier today, and I was happy about that because normally I go on my own and he doesn’t typically want to go or I don’t ask him because I want to walk fast. But because he actually asked me to go I felt wanted. It was nice.

But then the walk of course turned into a ridiculous argument the whole time. The whole time that I was just trying to help him. To talk to him about how many people in his life that he keeps around that don’t deserve him. I asked him why he continues to be friends with people that stress him out more than they make him feel good, when the relationship is more toxic than it is healthy. He got incredibly defensive and acted like I was straight up attacking him. Started yelling at me and actually was the one to turn the whole thing into an argument. I don’t know why whenever I’m really honest with someone about something that might be a bit touchy, they become livid. I feel like I try to talk to them about it in a way that is passionate and persistent but also calm. I don’t feel like I’m trying to start a fight at all, yet that is what is suggested by the person on the other end.

I brought this topic up because he won’t let go of people that for the most part just hurt him in one way or the other. He treats them pretty damn well but they are not good friends or are not fair and he continuously gives them chance after chance but all the while frequently complains about how much these people suck. Says really harsh/critical things on a very regular basis about these people, but will not let the ones go that he could let go of. What I got from what he was saying is that he won’t stop being friends with people because of those things, and made it sound like he had no choice.

I know this kind of thing is near impossible to do with family members but with friends you certainly can cut them out. Why keep around friends that are toxic and extremely difficult, why keep around friends that are unwilling to be flexible about anything or to try to be better in any way? Why keep them around if they negatively affect your quality of life??

I think he keeps these people around because they are people he’s known for a long time and so they are super familiar. He won’t let go of these people and the fact that I suggested this to him made him think I was being cold or ridiculous. Said I was being idealistic about it. Kept saying that I just don’t understand because I haven’t been in the situations he’s in.

I know that he doesn’t like to try new things and damn near avoids doing so. He prefers the known, the tried and true, the established things. He has a lot of attachments is what it comes down to. Like he won’t let of people/things/concepts even if they no longer serve him at this point in his life. It’s interesting to me because he’s such a solitary person who is definitely an individual in a lot of ways, yet he is so goddamn attached to the things he already knows front and back. I don’t know what he thinks will go so horribly wrong if he tries to make new friends, if he lets go of these toxic friends, if he tries something entirely new without knowing how it will turn out.

Now I’m not saying that I am not a fearful person in a similar way, but I find that on the whole I am the opposite of him in these ways. I ALWAYS want to go new places, to do new things, to meet new people, to watch new things, to find new music and movies, to try a lot of new things. I love to learn new things, and I love to try them as well. I have had more than enough of the same old bullshit in my life that I never even wanted to begin with. I have had more than enough of the familiar. For the most part it caused me more pain/depression/stress than it did me any good. It made me static, stubborn, stuck, incredibly resentful, and eventually, numb.

I want the new. I want new, positive, exciting things/people in my life. I want new experiences. I want to feel incredibly alive again like I used to, like I always do when I am brought to a point in my life when a lot of things are new. I view change as mostly positive actually, because for the most part the familiar things in my life were very bad. Kept me from growing. Kept me from having hope. Kept me from feeling enthusiastic about anything, kept me from feeling a strong desire for anything other than to get the fuck away from those bad situations and people.

The familiar is not something to cling to because I think it prevents personal growth.

—-everything after this point is post huge meltdown sesh——

Anyways maybe the main reason this argument happened and whatnot is because him & I are total opposites in some ways. And I think that’s actually what makes us compatible in an ironic way..because we complement each other instead of clashing. I think that we help each other grow or to atleast hear/mull over different perspectives. It’s just really hard sometimes because him and I can really agree on a number of things and have a harmonious relationship…and we’re really good friends in addition to being in love, but when we do disagree…it’s a vehement mess. We’re both very intense/stubborn people and neither one of us backs down easily or just lets something go easily or whatever. We both have a lot of baggage too. I think I have more baggage than him but again we just have different types of baggage and we deal with in different ways. He deals with it in a relatively healthy way, while I deal with it in a predominantly unhealthy way. I almost never admit this kind of thing to anyone but I actually did some mild self harm when I was having this meltdown today. The urge to do it was so strong and I felt like just balling my eyes out was not releasing my pain enough, so I scratched the fuck out of my upper thigh. I used to engage in it a lot more when I was like 14, and I’d just scratch really hard then too. I’ve never been diagnosed with Borderline but seriously the more time goes on the more that I feel like the criteria applies to me.

   I feel like whenever I actually make a confident statement about something, not long after something happens that makes me think “I spoke too soon, I should’ve known it’d go wrong again”

My ability/tendency to feel rejected is triggered so easily. And when it is triggered the pain hits fast, and deep, and sticks around until I cry all of the pain out and have nothing left. I feel the worst pangs of rejection (whether real or imagined), within my romantic relationships. I constantly need to be reassured that I am loved and wanted around, even though the guy I am with now has stuck by my side for nearly 2 years now. It took a really long time for me to trust him and to believe that he’d really stay with me despite seeing all of me (the largely broken self). I feel like I believe it now but that doesn’t make me not feel utterly rejected over simple matters still. It can be the most trivial thing or situation, and if it is ignored or pushed away in any way, I crumble. I of course don’t let the person who triggered it know that I’m about to cry my eyes out. I wait until I can do it in secret, unless of course the trigger is so bad that I can’t help but cry like right away. I find it hard to discuss my thoughts/feelings when I have been triggered, because I can’t do so without crying, or without saying something inflammatory that will start a fight. So most of the time, I just shut down. I go silent, I put my numb face on, and I turn off.

I just feel so fucking strongly in general, never mind when someone I really love does or says something that makes me feel as inadequate or bad as I felt when I was a child.

I feel I cannot explain this series of emotional events to anyone and have them truly empathize with what I’m saying. I just feel hollow and disconnected, yet so incredibly full of sadness. It’s a feeling I learned to develop long ago, likely since I was about 9, and the feeling and reaction seems to only deepen as I grow older. These wounds from my past will never go away, atleast not to the point where I can have one romantic relationship in which I never feel this deep rejection. I think that almost all of the time, in reality I’m not being rejected at all (in current situations), but I can’t separate feeling rejected/unwanted from someone simply expressing that they have to be enveloped in something else for a little while. I personalize it all, I can’t go like one day of even slightly less affection or interaction without being convinced that they want to get away from me.

Because my emotional responses are so unreasonable to most everyone else and because they are likely just seen as a confusing burden, I suppress my expression of this very deep feelings. I don’t feel comfortable just openly expressing to my boyfriend that I feel he is rejecting me a lot and that it hurts me a lot, or that I really just want to be close to him physically and mentally for atleast a short period of time each day. I feel I need to suppress myself, and I know this aspect of myself is my inner child. My inner, damaged child. My inner, exhausted yet ceaselessly curious/needy self, that seems to have a hunger that can never be fully satisfied. When I get in that deeply hurt/rejected/ want-to-disappear-now-for-their-sake state of mind, I feel as helpless and needy as a child. What I need in those moments is to be noticed, for my strong emotions to be acknowledged and validated, and for the person that I feel hurt by to do everything they can to let me know just how much I mean to them. But since almost all of this deeply emotional reaction is dealt with by Acting In, it’s probably nearly impossible for anyone else to fully see and feel.

So it’s swept under the rug, or if I do open up about it I STILL repress expressing just how down I feel in these situations, and I still don’t know how to be consoled without feeling like a burden and without still feeling like mostly I’m being pitied and I fucking hate that. The last thing I need at a time like that is to be pitied, to be seen as an overemotional/needy person who is blowing something totally out of proportion, or to be seen as delicate. But I am delicate. I am delicate internally. Writing that previous sentence out made me realize why it is I can’t properly be consoled–because I feel like the way people respond is in a way that shows they see me as a baby. And that is almost entirely the reason why I don’t let people see me cry–growing up & going through A LOT of trauma/depression, I was told over and over again to “stop being a baby”, to “get over it”, to “stop feeling sorry for yourself”. So now no matter what I tell myself, I still feel like I am perceived as being a baby when I do cry.

I’m broken in so many places that when a deeply negative emotion is triggered, I have to cry for usually an hour or more in order to feel better. The pain runs so deep and is so complicated that once a bruise is hit, I re-experience months worth of built up sadness, in one session. Once the dam is opened the water pours out until not a drop is left. It’s like I’m constantly holding an entire ocean of intense feelings within some barriers, and every time something hurts me the ocean fills up a little more, until it eventually has no choice but to overflow and spill all over the place. The thing is, it’s as if I’m already starting at 3/4 full no matter what, and then anything that actually happens after that is just bringing me closer to overflowing again.

Ok so I hope I didn’t just totally fail at using all those metaphors and similes and sound like a complete idiot. I just wrote them out as they came to me in the moment, because I just spent about a hour experiencing a meltdown on my own, even though my boyfriend is right across the room from me, half asleep. He doesn’t even know I’ve been balling my eyes out and that it hurt so badly when he just said he was going to bed abruptly without saying I love you. He doesn’t know that I was curled up in the fetus position for a long time, with tears pouring down my face, feeling utterly unwanted and abandoned, literally holding myself because I felt so low. He doesn’t have any real idea how many times I have felt rejected by him today, even though I know he wasn’t truly rejecting me, he was just busy doing other stuff. Most of all, he doesn’t know and can’t feel just how much I hurt over these small incidents.

I feel so conflicted. I wish that him and I could trade souls for a day, in which we would each experience all of the pain and traumatic experiences that we’ve both had in our lives. I want him to be able to see it all, to feel it all, so that he can understand why I’m so sensitive and so he can understand why I react the ways that I do. I want him to be able to feel how I feel, so that he can know when to sense I am feeling hurt and so that he will know what I need from him when this happens. It hurts so much to feel like your pain isn’t even noticed or validated as intense as it really is, when you feel it so strongly. It hurts to feel like the people you love so much, no matter how well they know you, can never experience the depths of your emotional experience. So you’re essentially alone, and I think almost everyone needs people to recognize their struggles and to empathize with them.