Shitty title- I know, but I can’t think of any cool words that summarize what I write about like I normally do. ha. I’m not going to spend a long time thinking hard trying to make a good title whilst not actually doing any writing.

Today I met with my therapist again. I see him about every 2 weeks or so, which at this point in my life is mostly just nice but not necessary. I’ve been seeing him for over a year now, and I’m doing much better than I was when I first started therapy with him. At first it was really hard because I was losing my ability to communicate clearly, and pretty much in general. I was in the midst of the worst anxiety-filled major depressive episode of my life, which lasted about 8 months. Longest 8 months of my entire life. Honestly felt like a few years. But this is all past stuff again- on to the now.

I had a good session with him today and I felt a bit better. It is really nice talking to an objective, understanding, empathetic person that isn’t involved in your actual life. And of course therapists are professionals so they generally know a ton about what they do. Doesn’t mean they’re always great at their jobs and some do in fact suck and make things worse- but I’m lucky to have had a good therapist for awhile. Again, going off subject and into so many details per usual.

He did a good thing at the end of the session that actually did work because I wouldn’t have actually acted on this thing if it weren’t for him basically stating that he expected me to do it. I have been putting off writing a mere EMAIL to this Social Psych professor at UMASS for like a few weeks and just like, thinking a ton about how I should write it but being afraid of her possible response and so I just continued being avoidant. I told him about this constant analysis paralysis and so at the end of the session he said that I should go write the email here on campus after I talk to the financial aid place (had to go there to sort out other crap). He basically told me to do this but didn’t do so in a way that was bossy or demanding- he said it in an encouraging way, in which he made it clear that he believed in me.

So I did, in fact, write the email up. It still took me like 45 minutes to write up the email and send it because I was researching stuff too and being a perfectionist about the email. I didn’t want to say even one thing that might make her think anything negative about me or just dismiss the email. I met the professor’s husband at this hike I went on with this hiking group, and turns out he ends up mentioning that his wife is a Social Psych professor at the school I go to. Bingo! Straight connect right there! Networking, actually. That doesn’t happen very often for me. So I asked him if she was hosting any Research Assistantships or Internships and he said that she takes on new people all the time. I asked him for her email and he gave it to me, then told me to tell her I got it from him and how I met him and whatnot. So, *fingers crossed*

The financial aid thing is a bit anxiety-provoking for me because it’s going to be a very close call in terms of me getting the funding I need to finish my last semester. I only need to take like 3 more classes then I will have a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and an Art minor. Then I can go on to join the rest of the new graduates struggling with finding jobs. Ha. Bit of dark humor. I hope all this stuff works out and that there aren’t any further complications within this last week I have off before the semester starts again. The financial aid award letter should be coming on Friday, according to the Financial Aid woman I spoke to. I think she said the award letter. It’s either that or it’s just a letter explaining what they will or won’t offer me for financial aid. I also have a hold placed on my account & thus can’t edit anything in class selection until it’s taken off. They won’t take the hold off unless they get their beloved 8,000 dollars. I just hope it’s enough  if they see that money will be coming through, just not immediately.

So today was a bit more of an accomplished day than usual and the mere fact that I got to take my mom’s car to some places makes me feel a bit better. It sucks not having a car and being trapped in a tiny rural town, so anytime that I can get the car and actually do some things out in the world is great.

I feel like I’m hiding right now because the lights in my room burnt out as soon as I turned them on the first time I got back in my room, and I’ve yet to replace them hah. It’s kind of a fun feeling and the lighting outside is pretty interesting right now. There’s something mysterious about it. It’s kind of windy, and very clear out. It’s the in between part of the day when it’s not daytime anymore but it’s not quite twilight either. I like it. The sky is a gorgeous periwinkle color right now with some baby blue too. The earth is so beautiful and intricate. If I didn’t live in such a stuffy neighborhood I’d consider going on a walk outside around the condos. My mere appearance and the type of person I am is in direct contrast with the stuffy members that make up most of this “community”. Ok I was talking about things that are beautiful and things that are good and then it turned back in to being cynical. I guess I’m just really sick of living in an area where everything is outdated, rigid, and yes, stuffy.

I still have about 5 hours until my boyfriend gets out of work/comes to pick me up and I don’t really know what to do with that time. I’m usually really good with wasting it away on facebook or the internet in general. I suppose it’s good that I’m spending some of my time writing and so I’m actually doing something productive or atleast useful. Maybe I should read for an hour or so. Maybe make a drawing? Maybe some music? It would be pretty awesome if did some of each of those things before I go out later. That’d be a much better and much more enjoyable way to spend this time.

Let’s see what I end up getting done. I’m going to somewhat hold myself accountable for doing all of those things atleast a little bit tonight. Maybe that will lead to me actually doing it in the same way that my therapist holding me accountable for writing that email got me to actually do it. We’ll see 😀

So, immediately after I had finished writing the previous post, my cousin came upstairs and I talked to him for awhile. At first I felt a bit guilty about writing all the stuff I did about how I felt most people act (because the writing was inspired by overhearing the conversations between him, my mom, and my mom’s friend). He’s not a bad guy at all, in fact he’s really understanding and a good person to talk to. I feel he is especially so when it’s just me and him talking. I’m kind of proving my own point because I did feel badly about writing the post I did, because even though it was about disapproving of other people talking shit, I was still talking shit about the people talking shit.

I guess I feel like it’s still better to be aware of or feel remorse about any time that you do end up talking about somebody else in a not so positive way- it’s better than not even realizing it’s bad. Atleast then you can keep the intention of only speaking of people’s positive traits and actions, and/or the intention of keeping gossip/trash talk to a minimum.

Anyways I had a decent conversation with him, or atleast one of the more meaningful ones I’ve had recently with family members. But the thing is, a lot of this conversation was about both of my brother’s relationships and ways of being in relationships, as well as our takes on their girlfriend’s ways of being as well. A lot of it was just sort of discussing it all but the main reason I was talking about it was out of concern for my brothers. And when I say concern I don’t mean that I think they are in danger, I just mean that I worry for how they’d react if they were to break up with their girlfriends.

Holistically I suppose I was just wanting to talk about how upbringing both emotionally and financially impacts each person’s romantic relationships and stability of mind. This is a topic that I’m pretty intrigued by and I suppose when I’m speaking of how I think my brother’s might feel, I’m also speaking of myself in a way. I feel like the dynamic is the same in all three of our romantic relationships. I feel like my brothers and I are the ones that are more vulnerable, more needy, more dependent, and more sensitive. Meaning that all three of us would be hurt much more than than our partners if it were the case that we broke up.

I have talked about this with my boyfriend before, and I’m not sure if he realized it or not, but I was sort of talking about myself/our relationship when I talked about my takes on my brother’s relationships. I feel like the upbringing that my brothers and I had has lead us to be emotionally unstable on our own and in romantic relationships. I guess I just find it sad and unfair that some people grow up in emotionally unhealthy families and with a lot of economic struggles, while others grow in an all around more healthy environment. I find it sad how much of an impact this has on a person’s psyche, and as a result, a large impact on all relationships. Mostly because it’s not like anyone had a choice in what they grew up around/in.

It’s also very hard to have a romantic partner that truly understands why you are the way you are and that, even though your sometimes dysfunctional behaviors come off as intentionally hurtful, they are really just a result of growing up in a house where love and boundaries and trust were all inconsistent and messed up. It’s hard to find someone that will truly accept you on the whole, and someone who is willing to do whatever is necessary to have a successful relationship with you. To find someone that is very patient, understanding, empathetic, affectionate, supportive, calm, and loving is a difficult task.

Also I guess I’m so concerned with these types of things because, if a relationship goes wrong/ends with someone that is like me or my brothers, then that can lead to reaffirming unhealthy and negative beliefs about relationships and life. If a person like me gets very close to someone, finally trusts them and doesn’t question things as often anymore, but then ends up losing that person or being broken up with, basically has to start at square 1 again. Such things are so hard to establish and maintain when you are a person that has never been in a stable environment with stable, consistently loving people.

Maybe I’m thinking about this stuff so much lately because I do feel like my boyfriend and I are doing better than ever. We had a huge fight about a week and a half ago or so, in which I kind of felt like he was telling me I was too intense to deal with and that he needed space from me. I’m not sure if he was saying that exactly but when I feel neglected, unloved, or less emotionally cared for, I tend to react very badly. And it isn’t very hard for me to feel that way. I’ll get super quiet and sad, revert into myself, until eventually he asks what’s wrong, then I end up not knowing how to explain how I feel.

I try to word it well and not be too irrational but at that point it’s rather hopeless. I end up saying it in a way that is accusatory and is making assumptions, and then that results in him getting really frustrated with me because none of what I am feeling or thinking he is feeling is actually an accurate representation of the truth. He feels like I’m attacking him, so he gets very defensive, goes into a mini rage and starts yelling, then often says he wants to bring me back home or that this isn’t what he wants to be doing when we’re spending time together.

All the while I just keep getting more and more hurt and feel totally rejected and unwanted, to the point where I end up crying A LOT, and practically having a mini meltdown. I end up wanting to just go away because I feel like he can’t stand me and that I’m causing him trouble, and I generally end up wanting to isolate myself even further from the world and from him until he convinces me that he does really love me and still want to spend a lot of time with me.

I didn’t even get to the point I wanted to make- which is that I think I’m feeling particularly worried or vulnerable in our relationship because I feel that not only are we doing better than ever, but I’m also growing even more attached to and even more in need of him. Basically, the stakes are at their highest and I know that if I lose him now or after this point, I will be really fucked up from it. I had a dream that he broke up with me a few nights ago and it was absolutely horrible because part of the dream was a lot like a fight we actually had (the one I just described), only this time it resulted in him actually leaving me.

My dreams are generally very vivid and feel very real, so of course I thought this actually happened. I was a total wreck in my dreams and I felt so depressed when I woke up. I was thinking, why do I have to dream this now, after I feel like we are doing better than ever? Why does my unconscious have to relentlessly remind me of my fears and of the potential shit-storms that could happen?

Sometimes I feel like my unconscious is trying to take me back to my lowest point, to my past, to my roots, as if I deserve to stay there. I feel like it’s been ingrained in my mind that I’m not deserving of love and good treatment, and that no matter what I do it’s not good enough- i’ll never be good enough. I don’t want to think that way anymore, and consciously I don’t agree with the former. The little girl that had no choice but to become tough, to become hostile and angry, as well as untrusting, is trying to stay with me. Trying to convince me that I’ll never rise above that little girl and that I’m destined to stay that way.

I just want to be able to believe and continue to believe that someone can stay in love with me and that love can be consistent and that people can be consistent too. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 1 month, going on 1 year 2 months. That is a LONG time for ME to be dating someone. I haven’t had a relationship this long since I was 15 years old.

Also the other day my boyfriend was being very sweet and open with me and he whispered in my ear “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone”. It was incredibly nice to hear and I wasn’t even sure how to respond since no one has ever said that to me before. Eventually I said that I felt the same way (because I do). It’s just a scary place to be because I don’t think he has any idea just how much I need him and how fucked up I’d be if he left me. At the same time I know this relationship isn’t going to be forever, and I guess that’s scary too because love is such a dangerous thing.

It is the best feeling in the entire world to be mutually in love with someone. It also requires a person to let themselves be totally vulnerable and totally accepting of the fact that the future is a total mystery. It requires that you love someone with all of your heart even though you know you’ll probably have to go through the same process all over again with someone else later on down the road. You might even have to go through multiple times before you meet the person you decide you want to be with for the rest of your life. What an incredibly heavy decision that must be.

The point is it’s absolutely essential to stay as open as possible to everything that life has to offer. You have to keep your heart open and your spirit very flexible and adaptable to change.

For me one of the most important areas of self-improvement have to do with working on becoming a better person. I think that this is an extremely important but commonly overlooked type of improvement. From what I can gather, it seems that a lot of people are focused on economic, financial, and status-based improvements. They seem to look at life as all about becoming “higher” up than others, and in a very superficial way. Now I’m not saying that all people are focused on such things but I am saying that I see examples of this very frequently. It seems that when people lack fulfillment in their lives or are unhappy with themselves at the base of it all, they revert to talking badly about other people. They revert to criticizing others, mocking them, and judging them. Again, I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite here because I know that I too criticize people. I guess I’m talking more about awareness of doing such a thing, and awareness about whether or not it is wrong.

In general I am fascinated by human beings and the workings of their psyches and minds. I am most concerned with the deep connections that humans can develop with others. I am concerned with individual perspectives but also with much larger group interactions. All of it is fascinating to me- be it good or bad. I guess what I feel like I’m noticing (and have been noticing a lot in the recent past), is that many people have a lot of conversations about other people, and they don’t even seem to have any feelings of remorse or awareness that this is a low way to act.

A couple of times I have actually spoken out to these people when I find myself being among a group of people that begins to discuss such things. I have actually said things like “I don’t think that this a conversation we should be having between us as a group”, or “I don’t want to talk shit about other people”, or “I think this should be more about understanding people than it is about making judgments”.

Every time I’ve said such things, the group or couple of people I’m talking with, basically disregards the message and continues to talk shit. They usually defend this choice, too, as if it’s something that can be rationalized into being a good thing to do. Then they have the tendency to start trying to attack me or get me to think the way they do, out of what I am pretty sure is straight up insecurity and defensiveness. Actually, I think that insecurity is a large reason why many people talk a lot of shit about others. So, they leave me with no choice but to exit the conversation. In a way, I feel I am forced to alienate myself because I resist going with the group mindset. It’s so high school in this way that it’s still about “Are you in or are you out?”

It’s hard for me to constantly be noticing the negative ways that people act, especially because it seems to be so often and so widespread. I really love people, but I have before and still do isolate myself frequently primarily because I don’t act or think the way that most people do. I also have low tolerance for putting up with such behavior because I don’t feel that it’s justifiable. And because I’m so concerned with wanting to improve myself and wanting to improve the type of human I am, it’s very hard to relate to the average person. I suppose it could have something to do with the fact that I live in a very small town, which is in a small, very rural setting.

People seem to be very nosy and gossipy around here because frankly I think they are bored out of their minds and they also spend most of their time working too, so they don’t have much time or aren’t often in the mindset of true self-improvement. It’s basically entertainment to them to talk about others at the expense of the pain that can cause. I guess I find it ironic that the people that seem to talk the most shit seem to have the most “friends” and are more social in general. It seems ass backwards to me but I suppose it makes sense in that a lot of people seem to enjoy having such conversations and they want others to join in with them on it.

I really want to be close with others and to have a solid group of friends or atleast live in an area where I feel accepted and where I feel like others have mutual respect for one another. I don’t like that I have no choice but to isolate myself here because most other people are only accepting of one mode of living and one mode of thinking. And they sure as hell don’t want to hear any perspectives that are opposing to these things.

I don’t know, you’d think by now that society would be improving in the ways that truly mattered but it really doesn’t feel that way around here. I feel like most everyone is falling for the bullshit that the government is constantly trying to feed us and force us to believe. I feel like so many people are actually asleep in the matters that are truly important, but are very awake to the superficial and the “normal”.

Maybe there are more people than I know of that feel the same way that I do, but maybe they are afraid to be that person that stands up to the group opinions. Maybe they are afraid they will be alienated. I wouldn’t blame them for having such fears- but I do wish that there were more people who openly try to help others. I wish that there were more people who primarily provided emotional support for others, even if they didn’t immediately understand their feelings or thoughts. I wish that there were more people who emphasized speaking of people’s GOOD qualities and GOOD actions. I wish there were more people that thought more about how other people might feel or pondered how they might feel if someone was talking shit about them.

The first step is becoming AWARE of our flaws. The second is being able to ADMIT them. The third is working on trying to CHANGE or ALTER them.

Maybe if we could be truly honest with ourselves and allowed ourselves to see our flaws, we could then stop having so much to say about other people’s flaws. Maybe we could then try to help one another become better people by spreading good energy and love.

I just wrote a really long post, finished writing in the Tags to add to it, then pressed “publish post”. It said “invalid request”, that made no sense to me, so I clicked it again. Same thing. I really don’t understand what the fuck that was about. So then I clicked the ? icon above and it took me to another page, which made it so I totally lost my huge post. God dammit. I really enjoyed writing it and wanted to post it aarrrggg.

I suppose I probably got the therapeutic effect of writing the whole thing still, but I do also hope that some people will have some things to say in response. Maybe this incident can teach me to cut it short or atleast not be so extremely long winded when I actually do write things.

Let’s see if I can summarize what I wrote before it got lost (Gah so lame that that happened).

Basically I wrote about how I went on a hike with my brother Billy and this hiking group. There were like 10 other people there and I got shy immediately. I kind of felt like hiding and I kept to myself, atleast at the earlier parts of the hike.

Later on I spoke more with this older couple because they were talking to me more and they were more friendly. My dog Miles came along on the hike too. Other than this couple I just mentioned, I didn’t really talk to anybody else. Nobody else really seemed interested, was more interested in talking to other people, or whatever. Also, I basically need people to initiate conversations with me when I first meet them. I feel like I need to be convinced that they accept how I come off and that it’s a good idea to talk to them. I also feel like I’m socially awkward when it comes to big groups, especially when it comes to meeting a big group of people.

I think this has a lot to do with being pretty introverted. This is not to say that I don’t love people or socializing (because I really do, I’m very interested in the human psyche). It’s just that I hate small talk and am not interested in it, and I feel that it’s practically required in meeting new people. I am only really interested in discussing deeper topics and in conversations that go somewhere. I also feel that I’m out of practice with social things as of lately, since I’ve spent the past number of months primarily at my house, by myself, in a small town, with no car. All of these factors lead to complications in more demanding social situations.

I’m glad that I’m more introverted than I thought though, because this proves to me that I really like to think things through and go really in depth with things. I really like people, conversations, and topics that involve the deeper aspects of life. I guess to an extent I take life rather seriously, or it’s more that I don’t think it’s something to be careless with. Some of this is personal preference and perspective, some of it is due to the environment I grew up in. Meaning my parents are very serious people and my father is especially concerned with doing A LOT of deep thinking and analyzing. This definitely rubbed off on me.

I felt very strong today on this hike and I realized just how much I love to climb very steep and windy hills to eventually reach a summit with a beautiful view. I like to climb these steep trails fast, too. I feel the same way about track events- especially the 50 meter dash. I feel I am best at this event because I have the build for it and I’m good with being explosive with my energy. Sometimes I really feel like the Capricorn (goat) that I am 😀

In the post I wrote that goddamn got lost, I went in to a lot of detail about my build and upbringing and yada yada. I’m not going to write all of that all over again. Maybe another time lol.

I haven’t had a job all summer. I’ve been on summer break since early May and it’s now August. This has been both shitty and relaxing at the same time. I’m rather used to being stuck home all the time during the day, in a super quiet town, without a car to get me anywhere. I go out at nights to my boyfriend’s house, but he normally works until 8:30. Lately he’s been working till 11:30, so I go there from like midnight or later, until about 4 am. My sleep schedule is pretty wack.

The past few days I’ve woken up earlier than usual (when I say earlier I mean at like noon instead of 2:30). I’ve definitely felt like some sort of switch turned on a few days ago. I feel much more alert and energized and I can feel this pressured speech coming back too. Of course I’ve spent a lot of this summer on the lower end of the emotional spectrum, but since I had finally brought myself to apply to this Research Assistantship in Social Cognition at my college for my last semester there, I felt a burst of hope. It took me a few days to get the guts to fill out the app and send it in (as it was pretty long and I wanted to make sure it was perfect). I am disheartened to say that the professor replied to my email/app and told me that all of the positions for this fall are filled already. Such. A. Fucking. Bummer.

I was really starting to feel like my confidence lifted a bit after filling that app out and turning it in. That’s a huge step towards progress for me. It’s typical of me to procrastinate on/avoid things that I find to be threatening. Most of the time this has to do with “normal people things”, as my boyfriend would say. It’s really a drag that somehow ALL of the positions are filled, a month before school even starts again. This would’ve been a huge improvement for me, especially career wise.

It’s hard for me not to take letdowns as another path towards the line of thinking that goes something like “This kind of thing always happens to me.” It’s hard for me to feel hopeful and confident in pursuing new and scary things in life, when I feel like I constantly have trouble progressing. I put my ALL in to that application. I spent probably a few hours on it. Aside from the technical work I put it in to it, it also took me 3 days to mentally move myself to take it on. I don’t want to go so far as to say it was a waste of time, but what the hell why couldn’t I have gotten this? And better yet, why didn’t the professor take down her “apply here” thing and update it saying that all of the positions were filled? Why is something so important as that, simply not done? I find it selfish. To make someone have hope they can get a job and have them fill out a long app, only to tell them afterward that all of the positions are filled. Ugh.

What a mentally healthy person or optimistic person would do in response to such a letdown would be to apply for other internships. To take this as motivation to keep striving for what I want. To not take it as more reason to not try. But I don’t think I’ve every really been “mentally healthy”. I’m way too sensitive to maintain such a thing for very long. I absorb everything like a fucking sponge.

I just had an appointment with my therapist a few hours ago too, which of course I was like 15 minutes later for. I’m like, always late to appointments. I literally could not get out of bed at 10 when my alarm went off because I woke up like 2 or more times last night, after not going to bed until like 4 am to begin with. I had a decent session with my therapist and I was feeling really energized. He noticed this and commented on it, as well as boosted my positive feelings towards the assistantship I applied for. The same kind of shit happened when I saw him a few weeks ago. I had an interview set up at this store called The Merchantile. It was an hour after I got out of my therapy session. I waited around, anxious as all hell.

I went in the store on time, and the fucking manager wasn’t there. The lady in the store called the manager (who was apparently at the Northampton branch), and the manager told her that the interview was to be in Noho. This is NOT what she told me/what we agreed to. I know for sure she asked me if I wanted it to be Monday in the Amherst branch or Wednesday in the Noho branch and I said Monday because it’s closer to my house and I could get my mom’s car that day. I called the manager myself not long after that and she stuck to her guns. She still claimed that I had it wrong and that she had definitely said it was to be in Noho.

Why do patterns have to repeat like this? Why do so many of them seem to be negative patterns, that only help to contribute to me feeling negatively about things? I think a lot of people would start to feel like something had a meaning behind it if the same things kept happening in patterns. So, the last job I applied to (at the Merchantile), I had a therapy appointment right before that and had positive hopes/conversation with my therapist about it. This time, had the same kind of session and came home to find that the RA position was completely filled already. AAAAhhhhH

I feel like I’ve been on the verge of some sort of hypomania lately- either that or I’m bordering on a mixed episode. It could be none of what I just mentioned but my sleep has changed too, and I do feel more edgy (more irritable but also in the way that I feel a bit hyped up). I think it may have to do with the fact that I smoked a few days ago (after only doing so like, 4 very far spaced apart times over the entire summer). It does tend to put me on the hypomanic side. I have no problem with this as my general baseline is surely on the low end most of the time. Anything that lifts me up or pushes me farther up than just a “normal” mood is very welcomed. I do feel a lot of things can trigger this sort of change too.

I’ve been doing a word jumble every day for like a week and I’ll spend atleast an hour on it. I get really obsessive about solving them all and I won’t let up until I find it, or until I drain myself from trying to do so. Most conversations I have with my Dad tend to make me feel hypomanic as well, and I talked to him in one form or the other the past few days in a row. I just get to the point where I feel like it’s very easy to get in arguments with people  and not very hard for me to get really irritated. I also get to the point where I feel like I could talk/think/read for hours on end without like, any pauses. I trip over my words because my brain is going much faster than  I can talk and so I end up stammering or literally messing up words.

The fact is, I have way too much time on my hands and I think way too much all on my own (nevermind if I have a lot of time by myself). Of course it only increases how much overthinking I do. I need to get into a Psych internship thing this coming fall or I’m just going to feel like a total disapointment to myself and to the people around me. How did I manage to not find any work this entire summer, and spend most of my time inside on the computer, sleeping, or eating? I don’t know, I know I beat myself up a lot but I honestly feel like I get in my own way.

I don’t think I was born such a self-critical person but I do know that I grew up in a very critical and chaotic family where I was nitpicked and criticized a lot of the time. I do know that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I was always inadequate in the eyes of my parents. To a degree I feel like I will always feel inadequate in one way or the other. Unless of course I get my shit together and get a good Psych job. If I can get to a position where I can help others with psychological problems, I will feel like I am fulfilling what I am here on this earth to do. I will feel adequate.