I have the next three days off. I requested today off because I won’t be off on Thanksgiving and so my mom threw an early Thanksgiving today. My brother, my cousin, his wife, their kid, my aunt, my uncle, and my mom were at this. It was overall pretty nice. I still always feel a little out of place because I’m significantly different from most of them. My uncle and my aunt who were there (very affluent people), spent a lot of time telling stories of their own success but also of how to be successful. It was more about how you can achieve your dreams and live the life you want to live. I wasn’t totally receptive to it because money is a huge factor in that (something they have never struggled with) coming to fruition. They don’t seem to understand the limits of barely having any money just living in your current situation, never mind having any way of saving money in order to do something drastic like move far away to a place you want to live.

I’m a pretty idealistic person so I never really meet my own standards. I have come to love myself though and I am proud of the person that I am now. I still always want to improve myself. I do want to become more disciplined in pursuing my passions such as writing, hiking, drawing, reading, and meditating. They did make a good point about how your thoughts formulate your reality. I already knew this to be true but it was interesting to actually hear that from older adults. It’s very true that what you think about and how you feel about things completely creates your perspective on life and the choices that you make. It’s hard to try to keep away negative or self-limiting thoughts but it helps to at least become aware of them and try to reduce them.

I have always been obsessed with the idea of balance in general. In this context when they were talking about these things I agreed with their general point(s), but then my mind was kind of questioning it too. I am definitely careful to never completely open up to someone else’s advice for how I should live my life, because no one knows that better than you do.

I found myself being skeptical of the people these words of advice were coming from. The reason for that is that like I said before, they are rich and they have *never* had problems with money. Therefore, anywhere they want to live or any life they want to live is realistically available. When you don’t have to struggle to financially survive things must be really different. I found myself questioning the source because these two really have no idea what it is to have a difficult upbringing, a lack of money, a lack of income, huge amounts of debt, serious family problems or mental illness, etc. I don’t completely absorb what they say because they have never had to really overcome any serious difficulties. They can do whatever they want, whenever they want because money is not a problem for them. So when someone like that tells you that you can definitely and very quickly move far away and achieve your dreams, I can’t take it seriously. They are leaving out a lot of details and the many roadblocks that get in the way when you don’t have any money to spare.

It also makes me question their motives because they were giving this advice to my brother and I without us asking for it, and of course they are coming from a place of viewing themselves as successful and living a great life to be the ones saying these things to us. They kept referring to their own lives and the only problems they’ve had is which house to live in and what location, how to sell a few of the houses they already owned in various states, etc. Their reality is entirely different from my own. I don’t like when people preach like that extensively because it’s also assuming that you need this information and that they are above you. It’s very ego based when you analyze it, although on the surface it looks like it’s coming only from a place of caring. I’m not saying they don’t care, I’m just saying I know the real reason(s) behind their fixation on constantly talking about their successes and possessions, whenever I actually do see them.

To me honesty and being humble are qualities that I value the most in other people. Being around my aunt and uncle and listening to their stories actually made me miss my dad and my other uncle. The two of them have more obvious personality flaws and can be really harsh, but at least they are sincere people. I know without question that when I’m taking to either one of them that they are down to earth and there is no bullshit involved. They don’t fake things and are brutally honest. I prefer that because insincerity is a deceptive trait and it’s often used to manipulate others. I also know that my dad and his brother grew up in near poverty, and have had many struggles to overcome in their lives. I take their advice or words of wisdom much more seriously because I know they are street smart and know a lot about life.

I’m trying not to judge my aunt and uncle but they kind of make it easy. They are people that I’d prefer to only see once every few years like it has been. They could never truly understand me and I could never truly understand them. We’re like a different breed of people almost. I’m trying not to by cynical or skeptical. I know this post may come across that way but really I’m just highly analytical when it comes to people, their personalities, their motives, etc. I can’t really help it. It was an interesting experience none the less, and at least the content of what they were saying was very positive and encouraging.

When I left I didn’t feel energized or like I was going to be able to change my life from what they said or something, because I have my own thoughts and feelings and I trust those more than anything else. I guess what I would prefer in terms of receiving positive conversation/advice is a balanced exchange between people that talks about the good things in life and in people, and where the people would exchange their thoughts and feelings about things like philosophy, art, music, etc. That would feel honest to me and balanced because it’s not done in the attempt to “teach” someone else and it’s not coming from a place of perceived superiority. People should treat others as equals whether or not they have different circumstances, are in different economic classes, or just have different upbringings. I do believe all people and living things are of equal value and that no one is truly above or below anyone else. We all just have very different experiences and backgrounds and thus we become different people who live different lives. At the core of it all we are all the same and we are all one.

I titled this post with the words guilt and stress because that it was I just absorbed so much of yesterday at work. It was potent and overflowing. We had a staff meeting as we do every Thursday. This time the new DO (Director of Operations) was there and this was my first time meeting him. He seemed pretty rational and also more stern in his views about the residents’ behaviors. He seemed like a no bullshit type person so that’s good.

He did end up proposing that we come in on one or more days to help clean the residents’ rooms. I of course was not interested in that at all because as is I am pretty ready to leave this place. I have already helped two different residents clean their rooms for multiple hours in a row for each guy. The new DO seems to think that if we clean and organize their rooms really well that they will maintain them. That’s a load of shit because these guys are terrible with responsibilities. You clean their rooms well and within days it goes right back to the way it started. Also, all of these men are full grown adults. They are more than capable of cleaning their rooms but they choose not to.

After the DO left the site manager started to ask the employees who would be willing to do some extra hours on one of those days. I at first was confused by what the DO said and I thought he was saying it was going to be mandatory. All I did was ask her if this was mandatory and then expressed relief when she said it wasn’t. She starts freaking out on me right then. She starts raising her voice and being aggressive. She said “God forbid you do any extra hours”. I responded with “Well I’m not management. And so I haven’t signed my life away.” She responds to that with “Yes I am well aware of that”.

This whole time her eyes are practically beating out of her head and she’s responding as if I just told her I was going to do jack shit at work today. I did nothing of the sort and I work harder while I’m on shift than most staff do. The difference is I’m smart enough not to sacrifice the two days I have off each week. She and another one of my coworkers have been doing a ton of overtime. As expected the two of them are by far the most irritable and aggressive as a result.

The thing that pisses me off is that the two of them keep making passive-aggressive comments or having passive-aggressive responses to things and are becoming work martyrs. I have received more than a few passive-aggressive statements from these two, any time that I take a strong or honest stand on my need to keep my two days off and not do overtime. The two of them take on much more work than they can truly handle, yet continue to do so probably for a number of reasons. We have been somewhat short staffed recently especially with all the activities that our boss started to set up for all of the guys before he ended up being out on medical leave for the last month or so.

They sacrifice their days off to do overtime, they have a wicked short fuse and snap easily, they continuously complain about the problems in the program, they frequently mention leaving, they use their own money in larger sums to buy things for the residents or the program, etc. They do this to themselves. Yes, the program does need more staff. Yes, their are many open shifts that need covering. Yes, there are staff that do more work than other staff. I don’t care if they want to put this heavy load upon themselves and want to act as if they are responsible for filling all the open shifts.

What I do care about is the remarks they have made to me that are said with the intention of guilting me into taking on overtime myself. For the site manager to say “God forbid you ever do any extra hours”, is a clear jab made to imply that I’m selfish and that I don’t work hard. You can take on as many hours as you want until your body and mind shut down, but don’t think you have the right to expect that I take on the same thing myself.

I’m sorry but I have learned over time how stupid it is to bend over backwards for other people or for your workplace, when you are not getting anything back and all you’re doing is burning yourself out. Yes it may result in the shifts being covered more easily but you’re getting next to nothing out of this. If working extra hours actually lead to an improvement in the program, or lead to a feeling of achievement or like you made a noticeable difference in the program or the guys lives, it would make more sense to keep doing so.

I think these two are making stupid choices that negatively affect their states of mind and also their bodies because of the levels of stress they are taking on and the lack of sleep they are getting. Of course they are also getting next to no time off because they are taking on so much overtime so then they have no time to even try to recover from all the physical and mental stress. Sure this shows a willingness to sacrifice your time and it shows that you can be selfless but in reality it’s starting to become more clear that it’s not done for those reasons.

It’s done because these people do not love themselves enough to care for themselves above all, and because they have voids in their lives that they are trying to fill by working all the time. These people also clearly want recognition for all the extra time and effort they put in, so then it becomes clear that it’s not an act of selflessness. If it was truly selfless they wouldn’t go looking for compliments and they wouldn’t expect people to feel bad for them.

I think they are making choices that above all hurt them. I don’t think they are wise decisions. The difference is I don’t repeatedly get on their case for not taking time off or for choosing to take on over time. I don’t try to make them feel bad for being a workaholic. I see it clearly, but I know it’s not my place to comment on. I know this because I have developed pretty good boundaries and put my mental and physical health above the needs of other people or workplaces. What is wrong is when they try to shame me into making the same stupid choices they make. 40 hours a week is more than enough for *any* person to be working. To do more than 40 hours a week unless you absolutely have to out of some emergency or crisis situation, is taking on much more than you should.

I love to write. I need to write more than I realize. I want to work towards writing every day. It’s one of the best ways I can process my emotions and thoughts. I excel more at doing so through writing than I do through speaking, and since I’m an introvert it works better for my needs than it does through speaking. My inner life is so rich that I should definitely be writing the stuff down that goes on inside my head. My inner life is much more active than my outer life so it’s best if I make use of that through writing.

I frequently think about how I want to want to improve myself. I frequently think about how I want to get back to having good, productive daily habits that are in line with my values and strengths. I was reminded of something I learned about years ago when I went to the training I went to last week. The speaker brought up “Flow Experiences” and I was reminded of how they really do increase your happiness levels.

Flow experiences are experiences in which you are fully engaged in what you are doing because you love whatever you’re doing. You end up losing track of time and are completely in the moment. Typically flow experiences result from doing things that you are passionate about or strong in, and so they are truly fulfilling experiences. Multiple Positive Psychology books talk about how the more often you engage in Flow Experiences in your day to day life, the greater your happiness levels will become. This is one way to slightly improve your baseline happiness levels.

My flow experiences include hiking, writing, reading, creating music, making art, and meditating. If I were to do these six things regularly, or atleast a few of them every day, I know I would feel happier. I would be doing the things that I truly love and am good at, and would be living a life that’s more congruent with my values.

One good thing is that for the past several months, whenever I have a day off, going hiking is a priority of mine. I don’t always make it since the daylight is gone by about 4:30 pm lately and I have a second-shift schedule, but I atleast have the internal motivation to atleast strongly want to go hiking on my days off. I also want to get to a point where I go hiking or atleast walking before I go to work too.

I forget what year it was in college but I think it might have been my first or second year when I started to really get into meditating. What motivated me to do so was when I start to get panic attacks a lot, and I also had tripped not long before then so that reminded me of just how spiritual of a person I truly was. Before then I was an atheist. During that trip I was opened up to the spiritual plane and it was the most amazing experience of my entire life. I actually saw energy itself, in everything. I saw the energy fields around the people I was with, I saw how people had different aura colors that were more predominant than other colors. At the time I didn’t really know what energy fields or auras were but I got really into them after that.

Everything in the room I was in, which was filled with creative/abstract/psychedelic art, was alive. All of the pictures were animated. The room itself was filled with this translucent yet multi colored goo type stuff that filled the room starting from the ceiling and was formulated in large cylindrical coil shapes. I understood this as matter itself, which I then learned that matter itself was composed of energy, which is primarily spiritual. This experience felt more real to me than any other “sober” experience I had ever had before. My ego was torn away and I was exposed to the spiritual realm, which was directly in conflict with the reality that the ego had formulated and controlled for all of my life before this.

I did experience “ego death” before the highly positive/spiritual part of the trip began. The ego death was the scariest experience of my life. It was like a panic attack times 10, and when I looked in the mirror I felt completely dissociated. I was sure I was going to die, so my panic got worse and I puked a ton. I didn’t know it then but what truly died at that time was my ego, and it’s scary as fuck when it happens because it questions your entire perspective and understanding of reality. The ego convinces you that are in complete control, that you are the center of everything, and that nothing is real except for concrete/factual based information. Ego death reverses all of that programming and so your mind and emotions are given a complete shock. The ego re-gained control later on, but this trip changed my perspective on life for good.

A bit later I went to get Reiki done. Reiki is a spiritual practice in which imbalanced chakras are balanced, blockages are opened up, and repressed emotions are brought to the surface. Your spirit is interacted with in a way that can be felt strongly, even physically. During this Reiki session my Reiki practioner told me that I was an Indigo child. At the time I didn’t know what that meant but I looked it up later and it made *so* much sense. The way that I had experienced my entire life was finally clarified and so instead of feeling like an outsider/alien, I felt like I was here for a reason, for spiritual and healing based purposes, and so I felt special. Again this was a complete turn around from how I felt for all of my life until I was given this information and this experience. After this session I started to meditate daily or every other day for a few months. I felt amazing and my external circumstances didn’t control my emotional state anymore. I felt at one with everything and that was exactly what I needed.

I want to start meditating every day again. I want to start writing every day. I want to start making art every day, like I did after my trip for awhile. I want to hike as much as possible, in as many new places as I can possibly find. I want to re-remember that these are the things that I am here for, these are the things that truly matter, and these things are what make life worth living. Of course having deep connections/relationships with others and spreading as much love and understanding as possible are equally important, but the aforementioned passions are all internal/individually based things that fulfill me the most without depending on any other people to do so.

It’s been a really long time since I last posted on here. I just re-read the last one I wrote, which was half a year ago. When I read my writing sometimes it seems as if I’m reading someone else’s thoughts or something. Maybe what I’m noticing is that the way I express myself through writing is very different from the way I express myself through speaking.

I went to this two day training last Thursday and Friday. It was on Positive Psychology and a new type of therapy. I wasn’t totally on board with everything I was presented with but there were some helpful elements to it. One thing the speaker went over many times and had as do many exercises with was Gratitude. Practicing gratitude and then sharing it with other people. It does have a very different effect when you share what you are grateful for with another individual than it does when you are just keeping it to yourself. I did also really like the high amount of vulnerability that this training opened up doors for. Since I have been working in the psych field for about two and a half years, this training was still one of the only times when I could really feel genuine vulnerable emotions being shared between people. Most professional environments highly discourage that.

I guess I will start out with writing what I am grateful for. This will be a general list rather than a specific one.

1. I’m grateful to have my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 4.5 years now and he has made me feel hopeful again about healthy relationships existing. I really needed to learn that and especially needed to experience one. I think he is the first boyfriend I have actually had a healthy relationship with.
2. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head and to have my basic survival needs met. Even though I struggle financially I am still much better off financially than a lot of people. I’m grateful that I don’t have to fight to survive every single day like so many people in the world. Basically I am grateful that I am not living in poverty and that I have never lived in poverty.
3. I’m grateful to be much better off psychologically than I used to be. I’m grateful that I no longer spend each day in a pit of hopelessness and despair. I’m also grateful that I no longer regularly experience feeling numb. Feeling numb was actually worse than any other emotion, other than feel dissociated. I’m grateful I no longer spend each day feeling completely dissociated and unreal.
4. I’m grateful for the existence of Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is the a-typical antidepressant I have been on for a little more than 4.5 years now. Before I went on Wellbutrin I was in a seemingly endless severe depressive episode (see #3).
5. I’m grateful for my best friend Aubree. I really miss her since I have not seen her in over a month. She has been in various psych hospitals/respite during this time. She’s a great person and is so enjoyable to spend time with. Whenever we hang out I feel both of our energies being lifted to a higher vibration and we really connect. She has helped me to feel understood and to feel less alone in the way that I am.
6. I’m grateful for my mother. Her and I have had a long history of a turbulent relationship, but I feel her and I have worked things out a lot in the past couple of years. Although my mother and I are very different psychologically and intellectually, she has helped me out a lot in the areas that I needed, especially considering how much my father weakened those areas. My mother helped me to become a financially independent person and individual. My father tried to completely prevent this from happening by never allowing me to get a job and never allowing me to make my own decisions. My mother bought me the car that has allowed me to hold a job for the past two and a half years (longer than I have ever held a job before and the first time I’ve had my own car and lived in my own place). I still owe her a lot of money but she continues to help me out financially whenever I have another issue in this department.
7. I’m grateful for my father. He and I have not had a real relationship in several years but it’s better that way.  I don’t know if I can every truly forgive him for the agony he subjected me to for most of my childhood and teen years, but I have been becoming more aware of the good things he taught me. I didn’t agree with his parenting methods but he did have good intentions at the core of his methods. I’m grateful that he pushed me to value physical health/exercise. I’m grateful that he pushed me to value knowledge/intelligence. I’m grateful that he pushed me to question authority and the status quo. I have realized lately that he did not raise me in a military type way for malicious reasons. When I think about it more I realize that he pushed me so hard to be as close as I could be to excellent in so many areas, because he believed in me that much. He wanted me to reach my potential. He didn’t go about it in the healthiest ways but I think he did the best that he could. I’m grateful that he has pushed me to be a perfectionist, because even though I can never meet my own standards, it still gets me closer to my potential because I am always wanting to improve myself by living a life that is in line with my values.