Ok so. My brother came over the house today in the morning and all the way until the late afternoon. He’s really sick with the flu or something along the lines of that, and of course he’s also depressed as he has been for several months for many valid reasons. I talked to him a lot for a lot of the time that he was over and all was fine until we were on the topic of my boyfriend and his brother. I told my brother some personal stuff that maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned but I thought it would help him to try to understand the both of them in a better/more accurate way. He went on to tell me that he thought my boyfriend was stupid and that he hardly says anything and when he does it’s something sarcastic. And that he says “like” and “you know” so much and it makes him think “You really haven’t said anything yet”. Ok so this was obviously the trigger I’m referring to in this conversation.

My brother has told me on several different occasions how he disapproves of my boyfriend and he likes to be specific about his criticisms too, which are not even accurate judgments. He’s said that he thought he didn’t have “the right values” and the like. On those occasions I have disagreed with him and explained to him how Zak really is. My brother doesn’t seem to understand that what you see or hear in only a few occasions and only by face value is not the end all, be all of a person in their entirety. He knows next to nothing about Zak and he’s never had a full conversation with him, yet he has many opinions about what is “wrong” with Zak. I don’t think I’ve heard him say one good thing about him.

The reason this is a trigger is because immediately I feel hurt by him saying this stuff because he’s refusing to accept my boyfriend. Criticizing the person that I love and care about the most, the only guy I have had a successful and rewarding relationship with, the only guy that has stayed by my side even after he learned most everything about me. He says the criticisms in such a casual way too, as if it’s OK to laugh while judging another person that you hardly know, as if it doesn’t create a big reaction to say those kinds of things to someone you are close to, about someone they are extremely close to.

It’s fucking infuriating but mostly because I couldn’t shake the feeling of needing to explain how Zak is and how I felt I had to convince my brother that my boyfriend is in fact intelligent. The worst part is that I don’t really know why I give a fuck what my brother thinks. I’m tired of his opinions and perspectives on me/my life/the people who are in, and how many negative things he has to say about most of it. I hate that all he has to do is say a few criticisms for me to kind of unravel. Meaning I think and feel way too much about the whole thing and it blows up into something. But since I’m empathetic to him being so depressed and sick right now, I chose not to fire back at him though that’s exactly what I wanted to do. He’s overstepped this boundary many, many times. And we have had several conversations that have lasted hours/turned into arguments/etc about these things and yet he refuses to stop bringing them up. It’s the fact that I can be so fucking nice to him and be much more patient with him than most people are, yet he still needs to find a way to criticize me or someone I’m close to.

This is a large trigger because it also makes me think about the whole fucking world. It makes me think about how many people make judgments about others, and how many conversations revolve around that very thing. And the fact that it’s all just acceptable behavior and it is so fucking rare that anyone says “Hey I really don’t want to sit here and judge this person, I’m sure there is a lot about them that we don’t know, so we really shouldn’t assume so much and judge them so harshly.” I just want to say “Who do you think you are, a perfect person? What makes you think so highly of yourself to the extent that you think that you know everything about a person based on next to no information?”

Why don’t many people seem to even feel bad about being that way? I feel terrible about criticizing other people or judging them and especially if there is a whole conversation about it. It’s fucked up. Everyone is struggling in one way or the other and so who are any of us to sit and judge other people? I feel like what’s *really* insane about our society is that a lot of people don’t seem to have a conscience, or strong morals. It almost seems like anything goes, no one has limits in shit talking or gossiping, people say and do very mean things and they never seem to feel badly about it. What the fuck is that? How is that kind of behavior generally acceptable while people actually expressing their intense emotions or openly discussing their different beliefs/thoughts isn’t acceptable? How fucking contradictory is that? So, people are allowed to criticize anyone or anything they please to any degree they please and they can have this be a large segment of a lot of their conversations, but they aren’t allowed to express strong emotions through yelling or crying?

It just doesn’t make sense and I know I can’t change the whole world but I am beyond tired of people acting high and mighty, acting like they have everything figured out, as if they have life all balanced and superior personalities with no flaws whatsoever. Yet people are so incredibly great at pointing out other people’s flaws and the thing is, what’s even worse, is that these supposed “flaws” they are seeing in others…are nothing but mere opinions! And most of them aren’t founded in truth. They are quickly made judgments and assumptions that keep people separated and continue the cycle of people on the receiving end feeling alienated, unloved, unworthy, invalid, wrong, all of those terrible feelings.

Jesus Christ all I can say to end this is that I am SO FUCKING GLAD I am going to have a job in Psychology at some point. I have my BA in Psychology now & an Art Minor, and I cannot wait to get a chance to truly help other people that are not people from my family.