Sometimes I get a really strong urge to write, and generally it’s after I’ve been going through a stressful times, when I happen to also have some really good insights. I had this feeling a few weeks ago, but didn’t act on it right away because I wasn’t right near a computer at the time, and if you don’t act on the inspiration right when it comes, you generally won’t remember the exact things you wanted to write about. Aside from that fact, as I’m here writing for these past two times I had the inspiration to write, I still feel I need to attempt to write about those same things.

That first time I had the inspiration to write, it was after I had spent a number of days having a lot of heavy conversations with my boyfriend about his close friend that has a serious problem with alcoholism. These conversations were about the stresses this put on my boyfriend but also about his concern for his friend, and his frustration with his friend’s disregard for his own or anyone else’s state of being. These conversations also lead into other topics that are main parts of life for most people. We talked about careers, life choices, passions or lack thereof, money, school, trust, family relations, and a lot else. These were both good and draining conversations. Both of us still have a lot of baggage and that’s obvious, so I think our presence in each other’s lives is helpful for the other but also can often lead to us just exchanging a lot of depressing and frustrating past stories. We have an intense relationship but honestly this is what I always prefer. I don’t really have the desire to have any relationships that are only going to hang out on the superficial level.

Anyways, I was outside when him and I were having this conversation on the phone. I realized that at first I went to this spot near this lake that is close to my house, and then later on I went up to this higher peak that is above all of the other land. Seemingly out of nowhere I had this strong insight that I am always drawn to bodies of water, high mountains, open areas, and large windows. The insight is that I desire to be in these places because they provide everything that I felt kept away from growing up, and even still to a degree. These places provide space to think, a sense of freedom, refuge from stressful places and people, and a sense of tranquility. I like being near bodies of water because water is calming to me (as it is to many other people), and it makes me feel much less stressed. I feel this every time I take a shower. I still think A LOT in there but I feel blissful and comfortable. I love high mountains because they are above everything else, so that I can widen my perspective and get away from the claustrophobic and controlled feeling I have when I’m in my room/at my house too much. I really didn’t have any personal space or boundaries from my family growing up, as they never allowed it. So now I love being in huge, open spaces, where I feel I can breathe and actually feel comforted by the fact that the world is so large. I love huge windows because the windows in my house are SO tiny, and of course i’m still living in the same house I have for my entire life, so that’s been consistent. I’ve often felt stuck in here in both senses of the word. Large windows allow me to see so much of the outside, which I obviously love to look at and feel connected to, even when I’m not actually in it. Generally, people are drawn to places that remind them of what they want to actually feel. I really liked realizing this.

This post is long enough and I only wrote about what I wanted to that last time, and not at all about what I wanted to write about today, but I will write about that in another post. If anyone is reading this, I’m interested to hear what places or things you are drawn to, and why you think you are drawn to these things.

I just had a major fight with my boyfriend, which probably stemmed from how I was feeling earlier today. My sleep schedule has been so fucked lately. I pulled pretty much an all-nighter earlier in the week to do that Art History paper I was mentioning in my previous post. I slept not even one hour that night, and then I didn’t even nap. I didn’t get enough sleep any of the other nights that week either, and I had an exam on Friday as well. On both Friday and Saturday night, I passed out at my boyfriend’s place again at night, got up at about 4:30 am both nights, then drove home.   The first night I did that, after I got home I went to bed at like 5:30 or so, and then slept until noon. I felt sooo tired all day, and extremely depressed and moody as well. I once again had a lot of work I should have been doing, considering this coming week is absolute insanity at school, since spring break is coming after this Friday.

I didn’t do ANY work that day, ended up going back over my boyfriend’s but not until the nighttime, and then I passed out at like midnight or something there, only to wake up at like 5:30 or so (which apparently was actually 4:30 now because of daylight savings time). So yeah I drove home and such, but then I was sooo confused because two clocks in non-technological devices had an earlier time than my phone and computer did. I was soo mind-fucked by this and tried adjusting these clocks but it wasn’t making sense. Didn’t end up going to bed until like 7:30 or something (which was probably 6:30 actually, again because of the time change), and then I slept until fuckin 6:30 at night!! I only woke up because my mom came in to wake me up. I was so deeply asleep that I had no idea how late it was. I didn’t set an alarm that night for the next morning because I knew I so badly needed to catch up on sleep, but I had no idea I would’ve slept until the nighttime without one set. Anyways I woke up all freaked out because sleeping until 6:30 at night is horrible & my schedule had already been so fucked up lately. My mom’s reaction to me sleeping late also made it worse, because right when she came in she said “Are you alright?” And that set me up to feel like I really wasn’t alright. I honestly hate when people ask that shit at the wrong time. It’s obviously not helpful to ask that in a situation such as me sleeping late, because it’s not like I was actually in a real coma or something. OBVIOUSLY I was just very fucking tired. Anyways I really didn’t need to write this much to explain what I just did.

Because of the fucked up sleep schedule and sleeping at weird hours like that, I felt dissociated for hours after I woke up. This freaked me the fuck out on top of me already freaking out about sleeping that late and about the fact that I was supposed to do work all that day to make up for not doing it the previous day. I texted my boyfriend for reassurance, basically in asking for him to tell me something grounding, and he was in such a not-serious mood that his responses were flat out stupid. First of all he was saying he didn’t even know what I meant by grounding and second of all he just kept saying like little kid, meaningless things. It really irritated me, primarily because he’s usually the person that makes me feel very grounded. At this point I didn’t know what to do because I still felt pretty much outside of myself/like I was in an alternate universe and I just felt like I wasn’t really in reality. It made me realize that it’s so easy to dissociate from reality, especially for me, because it’s so easy for me to revert to my fantasy world/imagination. I’ve spent so much time there as a way to deal with the horrid reality I’ve been in in many different parts of my life, so much that I now have to battle losing myself in my thoughts/imagination. Of course this couldn’t work all the way and make me unconcerned with reality, or totally nonchalant, so on top of this I’m still an incredible worrier, and I stress out all the time about the real pressures of the world. This doesn’t mean I do to the extent of actually working as hard as I should, it just means that I think about it so much that I make myself go nuts over it. I decided to text a friend of mine who is a Psych major too, and she gave me concrete examples of what to do when feeling dissociated. This helped a lot.

The fight I got in with my boyfriend later was over other, sort of unrelated bullshit, and I guess I kind of started the argument. I wasn’t trying to instigate a fight, I just wanted him to remind me why he loved me, or what it was about me that has affected him or made an influence on him. I wanted to be validated. I feel like I always bend over backwards to point out his strengths, good traits, etc. I thank him every single time he does something nice for me, and I constantly remind him how much I love him, as well as compliment him on the things that make me attracted to him. I don’t feel like he does the same for me. He’s a great boyfriend to me, i’m not saying he isn’t, it’s just that as a person that needs constant reassurance, I don’t feel I get enough of it from him. He does tell me he loves me a lot and he’s very sweet and affectionate, but I want to hear in words too that I make an impact on him. I want to know that he loves me for more than just what I can provide. I know I shouldn’t need him to remind me all the time since we have a pretty good relationship, but I have a really hard time fending off these insecure thoughts and feelings. They only get worse when I practically dig for reassurances and then I get nothing or a bad response in return. This whole fight was online too, but I felt it was only getting worse and convincing me of what I already thought. I ended up being in tears for what seemed like hours, in a practically breaking-down manner. I felt like my existence had no impact on others or the outside world, and that I was essentially useless. Just now I had the thought that maybe I think this unconsciously because my father ingrained this thought into my head for a lot of my teenager years. He told me all the time that I was useless, lazy, a baby. I could never measure up to his expectations, and I never had the extremely high work ethic he expected of me. I never had the extremely high athletic ethic either, despite his non-stop pressures and forcing. I ran through many a cross-country seasons, through multiple injuries, all because he forced me to and because he reminded me how disappointed he was in me all of the time.

Anyways I feel a lot better now, but now it’s 2:20 in the morning and i’m supposed to be up in 7 hours for classes. And then I have shit tons of studying to do after classes, and I know i’m going to be really tired again. I’m not even sure i’ll be able to fall asleep before like 5 in the morning. I feel bad now for saying the things I did to my boyfriend, and for probably also making him feel inadequate for not being able to help me or for making me feel worse. I have very high expectations for him too, and this is another reason why I get so fucking annoyed when my brother tells me   I can do better than him. What the fuck does he know anyway. I just can’t get those kinds of comments out of my head, because first of all, this is a reiteration of shit my Dad has said to me for so much of my life, about every guy i’ve dated, and second of all, he has no idea what he’s talking about!! He barely even knows my boyfriend. He’s basing these comments off of the fact that he knows he’s not in college right now, and doesn’t have a job. I’m sorry but that’s not enough to go off of and there is so much more to the story/to my boyfriend as a whole to go and decide that because he isn’t doing these typical things that he’s a loser or something. I’m just so fucking tired of having my family’s elitist comments stuck in my head, and then being re-drilled in my head by them saying them STILL. Basically the reason why Associations is in my post title too is because I have way too many associations in my head with previous traumas and previous verbal abusers in my life, so much that even YEARS later I still can’t get this shit out of my head. I can’t stop associating the actions/words of current people with the previous ones. If they even SLIGHTLY remind me  of something from the past, which doesn’t take much considering how much fucking material there is in that department, I react in pretty much the same way I did before. And even now, now that I’m not hysterical and fighting with my boyfriend, now that I cried it all out, I’m still feeling like distancing myself from him tomorrow via not really talking to him. I’m hurt still & to a degree I still feel like he was insensitive. I want him to try to right the wrongs and to try hard to regain my trust and such. I want him to care enough to do what is necessary. This may be irrational or unfair, but I do feel like I need to test people to see if they are worth trusting, even after I’ve established trust with them. I’ve had so many people gain my trust and then shit all over it, only to keep coming in and out of being trustable, for so much of my life. As a result I’m very paranoid and untrusting of the world and the people in it.

I have this massive Art History paper due in less than 2 days, and It’s driving me nutty. I spent a lot of the weekend thinking about how I should start it by Saturday at the latest. I ended up sleeping over my boyfriend’s on Friday night though, since I haven’t slept over in a long time because of the fact that I don’t sleep deep/long enough when I’m there. I never get enough sleep during the week and so when it comes to the weekend I need all the sleep I can get. As I predicted I didn’t get anywhere near enough sleep that night and ended up being all overly emotional because of it. That’s what always happens. It sucks because I do miss sleeping with him/spending most of my time at his place. I did end up going home by about 2 in the afternoon on Saturday, with the intention of going home to start working on the paper. Of course after being home for probably only a half hour, my fucking power went out! I was very exhausted and emotional when I got home and it was SO cold out. All I needed was for the fucking power to go out. Then I made the mistake of texting my father to ask if his power went out too, to see if it was something that affected the whole road that I’m living off of. He ended up calling me, and we talked for a long time. It turned into a terrible argument and he insulted me many times over. I ended up hanging up on him, then proceeding to ball my eyes out for a long time. I felt so utterly drained and on top of that I felt convinced that I wasn’t trying to succeed in school or to do well/strive to get better in anything, since that’s essentially what my father said to me. I felt so shitty. So then of course the power was still out for a long time- 2.5 hrs to be exact. Of course I didn’t do any work because I had no energy, and certainly did not have ANY motivation. I ended up going back over my boyfriend’s house around 8 or 9, and then stayed there until 2 in the morning or something like that, after we had both passed out for a number of hours at his place.

I went home and slept for a LONG time, didn’t get up until 11:30 in the morning. I swore to myself that I’d spend all day after that, or atleast some of the day after that, working on my paper. Did that happen? No. I mindlessly fucked around on Facebook, played keyboard, did a whole shit ton of nothing, and then eventually went back to my boyfriend’s again, at like 9 at night. I spent so much time thinking about/worrying about/dreading working on this paper, that I ended up not doing anything on it. Now it’s Monday night and I only have the rest of tonight and tomorrow to work on this ridiculous paper. I’m dragging my feet.

I’m still really exhausted because I didn’t get enough sleep last night, since I went to bed at 2 am and had to wake up around 8 am. It was/is bitterly cold out today, so that just makes my energy levels even lower all by itself, nevermind mixed in with sleep deprivation. I really wish this class didn’t have to be so hard and so pressure-oriented, since I’m terrible at Art History, and since this is the only class I have left to fulfill my Art minor. Gah. I don’t know when I’m going to start working on this, considering I’ve been procrastinating for the past 3.5 hours, doing next to nothing. 

I don’t know why I’m using so many numbers in this post, since I’m number challenged. I think I’m using them because being in college tends to make you have to freak out about what time it is and how much time has passed and this and that. It could also be that I realize how much time I spend merely procrastinating and avoiding work, and how little of time I spend sleeping. I just want to lay down and watch movies with my boyfriend, all cuddled up under blankets. Relaxing. I don’t want to deal with this paper or with waking up at 8 am again tomorrow. I don’t want to deal with the fact that after today I only have one day left to finish this paper. I don’t want to deal with the fact that I also have an exam in Philosophy this Friday. I want Spring break now, so I can actually sleep and regain some sanity.

This post is so ridiculously full of mundane things. It’s so unusual for me to write/think about mundane things for very long. It’s almost always mixed with really far-out, big ideas that keep me excited within my rich inner life. Being imaginative is fun, especially because colors, art and music are always exciting, and I always feel invested and passionate about them. All of my classes rock this semester, except for this Art History class! The only thing that’s been good about that class is that I made a new friend, who has very quickly become one of my closest friends since I met her.

Anyways I can’t keep blabbering on about nothing/avoiding things because all I’m doing is procrastinating even more. It’s just really hard for me to find any sort of motivation to do this except for the fact that thinking about it is making me miserable. Ok I’m stopping now. Hope this wasn’t too boring for any potential readers out there.