I’ve been meaning to write for awhile. I’m going to write about the things I wanted to a week ago or so, and then just go with whatever else comes up.

I’ve been working full time at a very hard job since August now. This is the longest I have worked *anywhere* I have been working there for 5 months now. 5 months really isn’t a long time to work at one place for the average person, but for me it is. Another thing is that this job is extremely physically and emotionally taxing. Other jobs I’ve had have been one or the other, but never both, and never to this extent. However, no job has been as physically or emotionally taxing as my life was growing up. My Dad was never in the military but with the way he raised us, you’d think he was. My Mom faded into the background, even though she was the breadwinner. As far as every other kind of influence/control went, my Dad took over all of it. He forced us to run starting at age 7, and forced us to continue running for as long as he was around us. He was our cross-country coach too, and all three of us were on that team (of course). So, he continued to control us through that as well as at home. Anyways, what I’m getting at is that no job and nothing else in my life was as tough as my upbringing. I can handle a lot because of it though, so I suppose it’s overall a good thing. Even though it caused me a lot of physical and emotional pain, even though I didn’t develop on time in some important ways, even though it caused me to develop mood disorders and to have long-term physical pain, I became tough from it. Oops didn’t mean to pull the past into my current life but my past definitely had a huge influence on the present.

Somewhat recently at this job I’ve been working at, I noticed that three out of the four residents and one of my coworkers started opening up to me *a lot* over the course of like one day. It felt like I was a therapist and I provided three or four talk therapy sessions for these people. It was draining yet interesting. I was shocked at how much they were telling me, especially in relation to the happenings of their traumatic pasts. I couldn’t believe how much they were telling me. I was shocked at some of it, especially what one of the residents told me, because I had no idea she went through such a fucked up childhood. She had never really talked about it before nor did she ever tell me that many details of super personal/damaging events.

Initially I felt a bit overwhelmed by this, but then later on I started to feel good about it. It made me think about why these people all opened up to me so much. It made me think that it’s likely because they trust me, because I have made it clear that I am an open, accepting, and empathetic person. It was nice to see some clear evidence of my influence on them. I frequently tend to think I don’t make an impact on people. I tend to think that I don’t influence them in any way. I guess I still think this way because when I was growing up I felt like my family never listened to me. I felt like my voice made no difference whatsoever, and I felt inferior to them because they made it clear that they thought they were superior. This taught me to believe I was inferior, and to kind of start actually acting like I really was inferior.

I don’t think a lot of people would agree with me in saying this but, I think people are more likely to really open up to someone who does not react super emotionally to personal things that they say. When people can tell that you don’t judge them, that you aren’t going to leave even if they tell you some really crazy shit or really show you the contents of their psyche, they are likely to feel comfortable totally unloading on you. A lot of times when people tell me really intense/traumatic things, I don’t get all dramatic in response. I tend to not even let them see how I am reacting to it. I keep a straight face, and I respond in a supportive yet practical way.

Personally, that is how I want someone to respond if I tell them something really intense or traumatic that happened to me. I cannot stand when people act even more emotional than you’re being when you’re opening up to them, or if you’re crying or something. I cannot stand the fact that a lot of the time if you cry in front of someone, especially the general public, they will respond to you like you’re a wounded child. They kind of freak out, make some super emotional facial expressions, and ask you if you’re ok or say “what’s wrong?”. I hate this. It draws attention to the whole thing when you do not want everyone around you to know that you’re crying, it makes you feel like crying is unnatural, and it generally makes you feel like you’re a baby or like totally insane for crying. Personally, I do not want someone to ask me if I’m ok or to get all emotional if I’m crying, and I definitely don’t want them being anything but discreet about the fact that I’m crying. I want someone to recognize my pain, but only someone that I’m very close to. I want that person to stay with me and maybe ask if I want to talk about it, and I want them to be the supportive/level-headed person that I need at that time. 

When the residents cry in front of me, I typically just listen to what is upsetting them, and I remain calm. I talk them through whatever it is, and I only say supportive things. In addition to that, I will sometimes say something to bring up the positive part of that situation. If they are crying and talking to me about their traumatic histories, at the end I will say something like “Well it’s a good thing that’s not around anymore right? Or I’ll say “It’s a good thing that that is no longer going on” or “It’s a good thing that you’re not in that situation anymore”. I say this to try to remind them that although those traumas really messed them up, that it is in the past and essentially, cannot fully hurt them anymore. It’s a somewhat cold thing to say, but not really if you say it at the end of the interaction. To me, it’s a protective thing to say. I’m trying to let them know that they are safe now, that things are better now than they were when those things happened. It’s also a way to remind them that they are not just the product of their traumas. There is much more to them and parts of them that those traumas cannot erase or take over.