I haven’t smoked weed in a month and a half. I stopped because I developed a horrible sinus infection that was entirely resistant to healing itself, and smoking weed would only make it worse. I also had a really sore throat, which felt insanely dried out too. No matter how much water I drank, it still felt beyond dry. I’m not sure if this was more of my body recovering from smoking, since it had not had a break from it in about a year. I don’t know if this was just part of the sinus infection. Either way I started off the new year in a pretty shitty state. I really did not like starting a new year on the wrong foot like that. Not a very comfortable feeling. I actually had to call out of work two days in a row (which I never do). On top of that I was fucking guilted about that fact. Of course when I got really ill my boss was on vacation, and the guy who was on call for him was a completely aggressive asshole (or so I had heard). Being the highly sensitive person that I am, and the highly traumatized person that I am, I avoid conflict like the plague. I will bend over backwards in my own words or actions just to avoid conflict with another person, especially when it comes to dealing with a highly aggressive and toxic person. I have had far too many negative experiences with verbally abusive people for far too many years.

My father was like that, for a lot of the time that I can remember for my upbringing. I felt I had to walk on eggshells around him. My brother became the same way. They are both Bipolar Type 1. My dad treated my brother worse than he did me and my other brother, which was really bad because the one he treated the worst was the one who was already headed towards having his Bipolar come to the surface. My dad tried to force him into being a complete copy of him. My dad started teaching him about computers, running, academics, intellectual stuff, etc at a very young age. He did the same with me and my other brother but, he put extra pressure and was extra harsh to my other brother. This brother has the same name as my dad too. My dad, being completely dysfunctional himself, in both actual psychological disorder and general personality, was so hard on that brother. I had this sense throughout most of my childhood, especially from about age 10 and up, that I was worthless unless I was perfect at everything. This was because my dad did not just try to influence us, but he actually forced us into doing exactly what he wanted us to do. My dad vicariously lived through his children. He tried to mold us into the person that he wanted to be but did not turn out to be fully. It’s very fucked up when you think about it.

This is why I have such a cynical view on having children as well. My general belief is that most people who decide to have children have a selfish reason behind this decision. I think they make this decision because they are bored, unhappy, or unfulfilled with their current lives. I know there are parents that do not have these fucked up motives, but I believe that most of them do, whether or not they are even aware of that fact. Having a child for an ego based reason is beyond morally wrong. If you decide to have a child because you feel you have reached your potential and because you have a partner who has done the same, then that’s great. I think it is insanely important that a woman make sure that she is as psychologically and financially stable and mature as she possibly can be before deciding to have a child. I think her partner needs to be at that level as well. I think that the two of them need to have a very healthy relationship, and they need to have the same values in life. They have to want the same things out of life, and they have to be able to see a fulfilling future together. Basically, I believe this couple needs to be at their best as a human being, before they can even consider bringing another life into this world.

Maybe I’m too idealistic about this, but I think that I think this way more because I hyper aware about my own upbringing. I am also an Empath and so I am hyper aware of other people’s upbringings as well. I can feel the trauma that they’ve gone through, even if I don’t know exactly what they went through. I just pick it up from their energy. Far too many times I have seen, read about, and come across people who are damaged from their upbringings. These people were fucked up at a young age and so they were unable to grow and mature in a healthy manner. They did not get to grow at the rate and in the way that they needed to as they became adults. It’s incredibly unfair to submit another human life to your own unresolved, toxic issues. There are so many damaged adults, who inside are mentally and emotionally stuck at the age that they were most damaged at in their lives. This is a huge reason why I work in the human services, and why I feel that I am here to try to help heal other people who have been abused whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually. These people need to meet others who can teach them that all of humanity is not evil. They need to be able to see that not everyone will treat them like dirt and that there are so many people and things in life that are full of goodness. They need to have that hope re-instilled in them. They deserve that much. They deserve even more of that kind of support than a person who did not grow up being abused, because these abused people deserved just as much as these non-abused people to have the right to a healthy and happy life. They did not choose to come into this world, yet were submitted to a life of pain in one form or the other, all because of the self-centered choices that their parents made. It just isn’t right.

The reason I brought up the fact that I have not smoked weed in over a month, is that I have been feeling so much more since then. Of course almost all of that feeling has been under the category of negative. It made me realize that even though I didn’t think this was what I was doing, I was self-medicating. I used to smoke a lot more when I was younger. About 3.5 years ago I finally found a medication that worked for me. I hadn’t smoked weed for almost 2 years once I had started this medication. I was at absolute rock bottom. This medication not only pulled me out of this severe, seemingly terminal depression within the course of about a week (after I had been in that depressed state for close to 2 years), but it also shot me right up into hypo-mania. So, I went from my absolute low point to another cycle of one of my highest points. Right around this same time I met my current boyfriend, who I had met within weeks of starting this new medication. I was on cloud nine with this whole turnaround. I admit we both did rush into this relationship, but it felt ok. We talked for hours every day for like a week or so. We met shortly afterward. Not long after that we were in a relationship. I had also just got a job not long after our relationship started. I was thrilled. For the next like 8 months or so, I was still in this state. I don’t remember exactly when I came back down. I know that I had started to smoke weed again at some point, but I can’t remember exactly when.

I know this is rather personal but, during this hypo-manic time, my brand new boyfriend and I were so happy, and not just emotionally. We were hooking up for hours every single day. At the time I still lived with my mother, but I was going over his apartment almost every day. During what felt like months or more of this time, I was able to have the most orgasms I had ever had before in my entire life. This was when I was completely sober too. This was very unlike what I had experienced in the past. I felt that him and I were a great match and that we were a better sexual match as well. I remember that summer as being such beautiful weather too. I felt like someone had just infused me with this thing called “joy” that I had so rarely experienced before (especially over a long period of time). I was ecstatic.

For the past half a year or so, maybe a little less, I have felt a disconnect from my boyfriend but more just from myself in general. I had been content with my new job and felt I was a good fit for it. Late fall and then the winter just kind of took me down several notches. The whole not smoking weed thing was where I hit my lowest point. January was overall a pretty shitty month. I started to feel very conflicted and full of doubt about our relationship. I still felt (and feel), like I’m still in love with him. I still felt (and feel), like we get along wonderfully. I feel like I can talk to him about most everything. I feel like we view a fair amount of things in the same way. One of the shitty realizations though, was that most of what we shared in common was negative. We both were (and are) highly critical of other people and talked about them often. I don’t feel like this was unfounded since there are a lot of shitty people (hah), but still. The things we agreed on were mostly of a negative, paranoid, untrusting nature. I’m not saying this is all we agree on. We do have similar values that are positive in that we both strongly value our strong senses of selves. We both highly value independence and freedom. We both highly value the arts–especially music. I’m much more into art than he is, but we both are huge music lovers. He is an actual practicing musician who has recorded many songs, while I’m just musical. I can sing well and am able to play some instruments by ear (but I don’t know any of the actual notes and whatnot). Basically, he has followed through with his gift a lot more than I have.

It was uncomfortable for me to realize that we shared too many negative things. It was hard to tell if the positive outweighed the negative or not. It still is. I am very sexually disinterested and dissatisfied with him now. He still has an attractive face, but I do not find his body attractive anymore for the most part. This was something I realized from the get go but it didn’t seem to be a huge problem before. Now it is. Again, I am highly critical so that’s probably part of it. I am attracted to men who are tall and thin, yet toned and with little body fat. I am attracted to men with a well defined face/chin, and a long, toned torso. Even though I have gained a lot of weight myself and am dissatisfied with my own body, I still have such high criteria for what I find physically attractive. I am almost unable to look past the kind of big belly that he has, the double chin, the almost lack of a chin at all, and the almost man-boobs. I realize that within romantic relationships, my standards are overall incredibly high. I think this is where the confliction is coming into play.

I am unable to keep this realization out of my conscious mind. When him and I are just spending time together, I do feel happy. When we get down to becoming sexual, I feel we are incompatible. Even if his body were different I think I might still feel this way. I have even told him this, without using that exact word. I have told him that we have opposite sexual energies. I have told him that his energy is very aggressive and that it’s overwhelming to me. My sexual energy is very female. I want/need romance, gentle, slow touch, and a strong spiritual connection to feel sexually satisfied. For me I guess it’s apparent that I find sex to be very serious and I don’t view it as something that is “fun”. For me it’s a huge deal and maybe it has come to the point where in this area I realizing that he does not meet my standards. I feel conflicted though because at the same time he is the best I have ever had. I feel conflicted because I have not completely detached, and I still do feel love for him. I still do feel attracted to his kind, accepting, unconditionally loving soul. I still do feel like I need him. What is most disconcerting is that I realize that I will need to leave him, and that at this point I am putting it off. At this point I am feeling for the most part that I am incapable of doing this.

On top of ending the most serious relationship in general that I have ever had, I would be ending the most healthy one I have ever had before too (especially in romantic relationships). I would also have to move out. I would have to find a new apartment, and/or roommates. I feel like I’m incapable of breaking up with him but yet keeping the job that I have. This is also because my job is working with a house full of developmentally disabled men who are also sex-offenders/pedophiles. They are not horrible people but I know atleast a few of them “like” me. They are overwhelming in this way. I feel like I’d be incapable of keeping this job while going through this breakup, also because I don’t think I could keep the two separate. I know it would seep into my job. I do not have the type of job in which I can handle huge emotional upheaval in my own life while dealing with the emotional upheaval in the house that I work at. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t end this relationship, suddenly find a new apartment, *and* keep this job, which is almost 40 minutes away from me, without falling apart. I only have one other person in my life right now who I am emotionally close to, and she is going through much more than I am. I don’t want to transfer my pain on to her either. I am a codependent person, who has been trying to fight it off for awhile. I am less codependent than I used to be by far but, I still don’t feel like I can make it alone right now. I have a good bond with her but it’s not the same as the one I have with my boyfriend.

Him and I have been together for 3 years and 6 months. I find that I am putting this off until an ideal time, and there will never truly be an ideal time. I feel like I might have a breakdown when I do this. It’s even worse because he is the person I confide in when it comes to day to day stuff I struggle with, and he has always been able to calm me down and make me feel stable again. A few weeks ago I was at the worst point with all of these realizations. I am crying now as I’m writing about this. I feel like everything has just come crashing down on me and yet I keep trying to dodge the falling debris. I am trying to look away from it and am trying to hold on to the positive things, but I feel like they are just out of reach. I feel lost and I feel wrong. I feel like I being dishonest with him by keeping this secret from him. I know I need to do this. But I feel that I just can’t right now. We have been living together for about a year and a half now. If I have this talk with him and do this, then the two of us have to go through this horrible thing while still living together. Who knows how long I could still be stuck here. I feel like I need to set up a place to move to ASAP and then break up with him. I cannot handle being in limbo with this even after doing it. The thought of living with him right after breaking up with him for who knows how long of a period of time is complete agony.