Gratitude

It’s been a really long time since I last posted on here. I just re-read the last one I wrote, which was half a year ago. When I read my writing sometimes it seems as if I’m reading someone else’s thoughts or something. Maybe what I’m noticing is that the way I express myself through writing is very different from the way I express myself through speaking.

I went to this two day training last Thursday and Friday. It was on Positive Psychology and a new type of therapy. I wasn’t totally on board with everything I was presented with but there were some helpful elements to it. One thing the speaker went over many times and had as do many exercises with was Gratitude. Practicing gratitude and then sharing it with other people. It does have a very different effect when you share what you are grateful for with another individual than it does when you are just keeping it to yourself. I did also really like the high amount of vulnerability that this training opened up doors for. Since I have been working in the psych field for about two and a half years, this training was still one of the only times when I could really feel genuine vulnerable emotions being shared between people. Most professional environments highly discourage that.

I guess I will start out with writing what I am grateful for. This will be a general list rather than a specific one.

1. I’m grateful to have my boyfriend. We have been together for almost 4.5 years now and he has made me feel hopeful again about healthy relationships existing. I really needed to learn that and especially needed to experience one. I think he is the first boyfriend I have actually had a healthy relationship with.
2. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head and to have my basic survival needs met. Even though I struggle financially I am still much better off financially than a lot of people. I’m grateful that I don’t have to fight to survive every single day like so many people in the world. Basically I am grateful that I am not living in poverty and that I have never lived in poverty.
3. I’m grateful to be much better off psychologically than I used to be. I’m grateful that I no longer spend each day in a pit of hopelessness and despair. I’m also grateful that I no longer regularly experience feeling numb. Feeling numb was actually worse than any other emotion, other than feel dissociated. I’m grateful I no longer spend each day feeling completely dissociated and unreal.
4. I’m grateful for the existence of Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is the a-typical antidepressant I have been on for a little more than 4.5 years now. Before I went on Wellbutrin I was in a seemingly endless severe depressive episode (see #3).
5. I’m grateful for my best friend Aubree. I really miss her since I have not seen her in over a month. She has been in various psych hospitals/respite during this time. She’s a great person and is so enjoyable to spend time with. Whenever we hang out I feel both of our energies being lifted to a higher vibration and we really connect. She has helped me to feel understood and to feel less alone in the way that I am.
6. I’m grateful for my mother. Her and I have had a long history of a turbulent relationship, but I feel her and I have worked things out a lot in the past couple of years. Although my mother and I are very different psychologically and intellectually, she has helped me out a lot in the areas that I needed, especially considering how much my father weakened those areas. My mother helped me to become a financially independent person and individual. My father tried to completely prevent this from happening by never allowing me to get a job and never allowing me to make my own decisions. My mother bought me the car that has allowed me to hold a job for the past two and a half years (longer than I have ever held a job before and the first time I’ve had my own car and lived in my own place). I still owe her a lot of money but she continues to help me out financially whenever I have another issue in this department.
7. I’m grateful for my father. He and I have not had a real relationship in several years but it’s better that way.  I don’t know if I can every truly forgive him for the agony he subjected me to for most of my childhood and teen years, but I have been becoming more aware of the good things he taught me. I didn’t agree with his parenting methods but he did have good intentions at the core of his methods. I’m grateful that he pushed me to value physical health/exercise. I’m grateful that he pushed me to value knowledge/intelligence. I’m grateful that he pushed me to question authority and the status quo. I have realized lately that he did not raise me in a military type way for malicious reasons. When I think about it more I realize that he pushed me so hard to be as close as I could be to excellent in so many areas, because he believed in me that much. He wanted me to reach my potential. He didn’t go about it in the healthiest ways but I think he did the best that he could. I’m grateful that he has pushed me to be a perfectionist, because even though I can never meet my own standards, it still gets me closer to my potential because I am always wanting to improve myself by living a life that is in line with my values.