I have the next three days off. I requested today off because I won’t be off on Thanksgiving and so my mom threw an early Thanksgiving today. My brother, my cousin, his wife, their kid, my aunt, my uncle, and my mom were at this. It was overall pretty nice. I still always feel a little out of place because I’m significantly different from most of them. My uncle and my aunt who were there (very affluent people), spent a lot of time telling stories of their own success but also of how to be successful. It was more about how you can achieve your dreams and live the life you want to live. I wasn’t totally receptive to it because money is a huge factor in that (something they have never struggled with) coming to fruition. They don’t seem to understand the limits of barely having any money just living in your current situation, never mind having any way of saving money in order to do something drastic like move far away to a place you want to live.

I’m a pretty idealistic person so I never really meet my own standards. I have come to love myself though and I am proud of the person that I am now. I still always want to improve myself. I do want to become more disciplined in pursuing my passions such as writing, hiking, drawing, reading, and meditating. They did make a good point about how your thoughts formulate your reality. I already knew this to be true but it was interesting to actually hear that from older adults. It’s very true that what you think about and how you feel about things completely creates your perspective on life and the choices that you make. It’s hard to try to keep away negative or self-limiting thoughts but it helps to at least become aware of them and try to reduce them.

I have always been obsessed with the idea of balance in general. In this context when they were talking about these things I agreed with their general point(s), but then my mind was kind of questioning it too. I am definitely careful to never completely open up to someone else’s advice for how I should live my life, because no one knows that better than you do.

I found myself being skeptical of the people these words of advice were coming from. The reason for that is that like I said before, they are rich and they have *never* had problems with money. Therefore, anywhere they want to live or any life they want to live is realistically available. When you don’t have to struggle to financially survive things must be really different. I found myself questioning the source because these two really have no idea what it is to have a difficult upbringing, a lack of money, a lack of income, huge amounts of debt, serious family problems or mental illness, etc. I don’t completely absorb what they say because they have never had to really overcome any serious difficulties. They can do whatever they want, whenever they want because money is not a problem for them. So when someone like that tells you that you can definitely and very quickly move far away and achieve your dreams, I can’t take it seriously. They are leaving out a lot of details and the many roadblocks that get in the way when you don’t have any money to spare.

It also makes me question their motives because they were giving this advice to my brother and I without us asking for it, and of course they are coming from a place of viewing themselves as successful and living a great life to be the ones saying these things to us. They kept referring to their own lives and the only problems they’ve had is which house to live in and what location, how to sell a few of the houses they already owned in various states, etc. Their reality is entirely different from my own. I don’t like when people preach like that extensively because it’s also assuming that you need this information and that they are above you. It’s very ego based when you analyze it, although on the surface it looks like it’s coming only from a place of caring. I’m not saying they don’t care, I’m just saying I know the real reason(s) behind their fixation on constantly talking about their successes and possessions, whenever I actually do see them.

To me honesty and being humble are qualities that I value the most in other people. Being around my aunt and uncle and listening to their stories actually made me miss my dad and my other uncle. The two of them have more obvious personality flaws and can be really harsh, but at least they are sincere people. I know without question that when I’m taking to either one of them that they are down to earth and there is no bullshit involved. They don’t fake things and are brutally honest. I prefer that because insincerity is a deceptive trait and it’s often used to manipulate others. I also know that my dad and his brother grew up in near poverty, and have had many struggles to overcome in their lives. I take their advice or words of wisdom much more seriously because I know they are street smart and know a lot about life.

I’m trying not to judge my aunt and uncle but they kind of make it easy. They are people that I’d prefer to only see once every few years like it has been. They could never truly understand me and I could never truly understand them. We’re like a different breed of people almost. I’m trying not to by cynical or skeptical. I know this post may come across that way but really I’m just highly analytical when it comes to people, their personalities, their motives, etc. I can’t really help it. It was an interesting experience none the less, and at least the content of what they were saying was very positive and encouraging.

When I left I didn’t feel energized or like I was going to be able to change my life from what they said or something, because I have my own thoughts and feelings and I trust those more than anything else. I guess what I would prefer in terms of receiving positive conversation/advice is a balanced exchange between people that talks about the good things in life and in people, and where the people would exchange their thoughts and feelings about things like philosophy, art, music, etc. That would feel honest to me and balanced because it’s not done in the attempt to “teach” someone else and it’s not coming from a place of perceived superiority. People should treat others as equals whether or not they have different circumstances, are in different economic classes, or just have different upbringings. I do believe all people and living things are of equal value and that no one is truly above or below anyone else. We all just have very different experiences and backgrounds and thus we become different people who live different lives. At the core of it all we are all the same and we are all one.

So this morning I went to my new Psychiatrist (well he’s actually one I was seeing in the past but then switched to one at umass). Now that I’ve graduated I can’t continue with UMass Mental Health Services. I realized I definitely miss my therapist and I need a new one for sure. I haven’t had therapy in probably a few months and I can tell I’m not doing as well as I was when I saw mine every couple of weeks.

So yeah this Psychiatrist is a SUPER Irish dude, I mean his name is Killian O’Connell, you can’t really get more Irish than that. He’s got the accent and everything. Wicked cool. I love Irish people haha and I always feel like I’m more than just a quarter Irish. So anywho I made this appointment because I needed a new script as the last one ran out and I can’t go back to my previous med doctor. He agreed to write me the script and he asked me a bunch of questions since the last time I saw him was two years ago when I was severely depressed.

I like the guy I mean he boosted my mood a lot just by being his jolly hopeful Irish self and I felt like he’s really accepting of me for some reason. I guess I just felt comfortable and that had to do with his warmth. So I asked him a bunch of questions too about my med and other stuff, especially because he was suggesting I increase my dosage from 300 mg to 450 mg. I have read things before about Wellbutrin becoming more of a risk when you go above a certain dosage, which I thought I remembered was anything above 300, but I guess not. Apparently after 450 mg that’s when the seizure threshold lowers. He asked me about my current energy levels and how I sleep and things like that. I said my energy levels are ok, and my sleep is ok, but when he asked if I had trouble getting up in the mornings, I went on to tell him how I’m a night owl and I stay up really late and sleep really late. He also asked if I “take caffeine” haha. I said on and off. And then he asked if I noticed any interaction between caffeine and my med. I said yeah I definitely feel a boost from it.

I wasn’t immediately going to be like “OH SURE I’LL TAKE 150 MORE MG of what I’m already taking, and increase that much in just one day!” I happen to know a fair amount about psychology and psychiatry and I’m also a skeptic/someone who questions things instead of just taking it at face value. So I asked him a bunch about the possibilities of that dosage increase and he later went on to tell me he could tell I was anxious and that’s another reason I should increase my dosage. I said how can you tell I’m anxious and he said well you asked me a lot of questions and you were pretty concerned about that 1% seizure risk (? or something). This is actually kind of hysterical to me that he said that. He can tell that I’m anxious just because I asked a lot of questions. I don’t get how that makes me anxious lol. It just makes me someone that is cautious and thinks things through a lot before just jumping into them. Especially when it comes to something serious like pharmaceutical drugs.

Basically Psychiatrists are just swanky drug dealers with PHD’s. It’s pretty funny how differently they are viewed from regular drug dealers simply because what they are doing is legal, though it really is no different than what a drug dealer does. Psychiatrists are such med pushers, they will prescribe you any and all drugs they think could possibly help you, and they don’t take very long to make that decision. You could easily totally fake a condition or disorder and in a heart beat they’d prescribe you with some super strong drug. They fucking love drugs lol.

Another thing that was funny was that he told me that if I went up to 450 I’d be having a lot more fun. !! hahah that could mean so many things. To me that comes off as “If you increase your med which is between a stimulant and an anti-psychotic, you will be HIGH off of it”. Basically I felt like he was saying I’d be inducing a hypomanic state, though I don’t think he realized what he was communicating to me hah.

So he was pretty convincing and his whole delivery I guess worked on me because not only did I essentially agree to the dosage increase but I also walked out of there in a mood that was atleast 5 times as good as the one I went in there with. I feel like I got amped off of his energy and I think also what he said gave me some insight into why my med doesn’t affect me as much as it used to. I think I got pretty used to it and I can tolerate a higher dosage so I actually required a higher dosage to maintain the same effects. When I first started taking it, for the first like 3 months or so, I felt hypomanic. And this happened DIRECTLY after I had been in the most severe depressive episode of my life. The med worked so fucking fast and all of the sudden my thinking was really sharp again, my head was clear, my energy levels skyrocketed, I felt elated, and I could finally sleep again, the severe insomnia finally faded into the background.

Of course at this time in my life it was a BEAUTIFUL summer, really great sunny/hot days and I had just met Zak, who I started dating not long after that. And I got a job at Target then. So basically at that time I went from utter despair to total elation. In the course of like 2 weeks. After being severely depressed and an insomniac for about a year before that. It was fucking sweet to be pulled out of that and to be sent all the way up in the other direction. But then I got fired from Target at the end of September so I had only worked there for like 3 months, and things started to go downhill. I was really torn up over being fired because I felt like I had finally found a place I could succeed at or atleast a shitty job that I could atleast maintain, only to find out a few months later that I “wasn’t a good fit for the job”. And I had some bitch who was barely around from management proceed to tell me how I worked and where I fucked up. After that I started going into a mild depression, and if it weren’t for being with Zak at the time, I probably would’ve gone down way deeper.

Anywho I feel kind of hopeful right now because I feel like this med increase might actually get me back to the good spot I was in that summer. I have felt like I’ve been depressed for the most part for like a year now, not the entire time but for a lot of it. I also felt good after the visit because it made some things clear to me. Which may or may not be the truth, but it explains some things that I had been just internalizing/blaming on myself. If my med essentially dissipated, that explains why I went back to a depressive state, atleast in part. Of course other circumstantial shit is part of it too, but I’m glad to know it wasn’t *entirely* my fault. And regardless it always feels better to know *why* something changed or what the reasons are behind a complicated issue, because it clarifies it. And it makes it more possible to be understood/dealt with.

So he wrote me up that script, which of course I can barely read because apparently like all doctors and psychiatrists have the worst chicken scratch ever. I don’t know how pharmacists can read that. I will bring it in soon, I have a few meds left, maybe i’ll bring it to a pharmacy tomorrow because I think I want to try going to 450 mg tomorrow. I forget how that process works, I forget if they have to take the script paper thing first and process it or something and then have you come back later to pick up your first refill. I hope they can just process it there, but I suppose they’d have to get the pills all together and whatnot.

I’m still a little hesitant about upping my dosage that much but Killian made the choice more up to me by prescribing me 150 mg pills, which I would either take 2 at once to maintain my regular dosage, or I’d take 3 to get to 450 mg. So basically he left it up to me. He said he’d ask me if I tried the higher dosage but that’s about it. There wasn’t any additional pressure. And he told me that I would know in 48 hours if the dosage was too high, because I’d feel like I drank a whole pot of coffee ha. So then I could just go back to 300 mg.

He said that caffeine is not normally tolerated along with Wellbutrin but since I can tolerate it, that means my dosage isn’t high enough. He said that at the proper dosage caffeine can’t be tolerated along with the med. So that would be good too, if I could feel as energetic as coffee makes me feel without having to drink it anymore. I don’t know which is worse for your system though- caffeine or Wellbutrin.

He said a few other things that I didn’t necessarily agree with because they are too black and white. He asked about my sleep and when I told him I’m kind of nocturnal he said that Wellbutrin is supposed to make you “like all the rest of us” in terms of the sleep schedule. He said it is supposed to make you wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night. That may be true but he’s kind of ignoring the fact that there are plenty of other influences behind why people have more night-shift type sleep schedules. My reasons are that I 1) Started staying up a few hours later than usual because Zak wasn’t getting out of work until 11:30 at night, and I’d start hanging out with him after that. 2) It is in my genetics to be really awake/creative late at night and really…not in the mornings. I have my Dad’s biorhythms. and 3) I am a creative type/right brained person. I am certainly more right brained and so that means I am primarily emotional, creative, holistic, visual, artistic, etc. And it is really common for creative types to be at their best mentally/artistically in the late night hours. and 4) I am essentially choosing this sleep schedule in a way too, because it’s not that I can’t do a ‘regular people’ sleep schedule, it’s just that I need to be in a routine and to be working or going to school to be able to maintain it. And if you are choosing to stay up even later than you normally would, of course you aren’t going to be able to wake up early in the mornings, and then when you sleep late, you stay up late again the next night. That’s just the way it goes.

Hopefully this whole post hasn’t been disorganized as I have a feeling it has been a bit. I’m just feeling more mentally active right now than I would be at this hour (lol meaning like 2 pm). I slept pretty badly last night, couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, then slept lightly, then was woken up several times by noise. But I didn’t feel too bad when I got up via alarm at 10 strangely enough. So I’m kind of proving what I just said before. I’m more alert now at 2 pm than I normally would be because I have been awake since 10 am. But on the usual when I sleep till 2:30 pm, I’m not really mentally alert until like 6 or 7pm . Sometimes later than that.

There was some drama this morning having to do with my mom’s lovely notes but I’m in too decent of a mood to write about that now. I think it would only make me feel all pissed off and down again to write about it at the moment.

So I hope everyone has a good day, even though I don’t think many people read this! Ha