I have so many damn thoughts in my head all the time I most definitely should be writing them down daily, not once every several months. I don’t even remember the last time I posted on here.

This is probably going to be very random because that’s another thing that happens often in my brain–random and intense thoughts and realizations. It’s not like I can’t focus or something, because once I’m on a certain topic I think about it until there is no more thinking to be done. Then I move on to whatever the next random thing is.

The past couple of days I’ve been reading a lot about/thinking a lot about spirit animals, i.e. totem animals. Most people think it’s total bullshit but I know it isn’t. Plus I don’t care if people think it is or not so I don’t know why I’m even bringing that up. Anywho, there’s also a difference between your spirit animal and your spirit messenger. I believe I have multiple spirit animals, and I think most people do. Any one person is too complex to only have one. Right now mine is a fox. I’m going back and forth in my head about whether or not this is my actual spirit animal or if it’s a spirit messenger for this point in time. I’m starting to lean towards the former. I’ve come to remember that I have seen foxes randomly much more than any other animal. I can think of several specific times when I’ve seen them and where that was as well. What’s making me more certain about this is that for the past two days I have seen a fox in the daytime. They typically aren’t about during the day. So that makes it unusual right there. Also, today when I saw a fox, I was literally 20 feet away from it and I was on foot. I was JUST thinking about the whole spirit animal thing too, while on my walk. I casually happen to look over to my left and I see a fox slowly running in the other direction. I was so close to it. Yesterday I saw one right at dusk, and it had run across the road. I saw it when I was driving. Last week, I saw a fox too. I was driving down the highway, and it was around dusk. The fox ran right across the highway, which is also a pretty rare thing (usually it’d be a different type of animal like a raccoon or a possum). I remember seeing foxes frequently around the place I grew up.

The one unpleasant experience I had with foxes was when I hit one with my car It was about 2:30 AM. I was driving back home from my brother’s house, and I was going over this part of the road that has a big hill in the middle of it. Right after the hill the road goes downhill. When you are approaching the uphill and the whole time you are on it, you can’t see the rest of the road ahead of you. This time TWO baby foxes were just playing right in the middle of the road. Since I couldn’t see the part of the road where they were at and I was going somewhere around 40 miles/hour (speed limit on that road), I saw them too late to miss them. Also, what was even more weird, was that they each ran in opposite directions. The left one was able to run out of the way, but the one that ran right wasn’t so lucky. I had slammed on my brakes, but I have an old car and the brakes aren’t great. I was able to slow down to like 20 miles/hour, but my car hit the fox that was running to the right. I felt SO horrible. It was so weird that this happened. It didn’t make sense. Why were they playing in the road that late at night? Why wouldn’t they be playing in the tall grasses and fields that were on both sides of them? Also, I’ve never come across multiple animals while driving that were simply just playing on the road. Almost always they are trying to get to the other side and they notice the car coming towards them too late. It just crushed me that this happened. I am an avid animal lover. I am hurt so much by seeing or hearing any animal in pain. Why did it have to be the largest type of animal and one that I love as well? The answer I’m realizing now, is because the fox is my spirit animal. It has showed up in my life on several different occasions, and it’s rare to come across a fox anyways.

I’ve been reading so much about spirit animals. It fascinates me and I wholeheartedly believe what I’ve read. The Native Americans were very wise and I believe they were spot on about what’s to be valued in life. Native American beliefs don’t sound odd or nonsensical to me at all, unlike for most people. I love that they would use every single part of an animal after they killed it. They knew they had to kill animals to survive but they also knew just how sacred animals are, and so they made sure not to waste any part of them. I really wish people would still be that way. I hate the idea of hunting. The fact that people consider it a sport, the fact that most people hunt simply for enjoyment. They cut off the heads of their kills and mount them on walls. They take pictures of them grinning next to the animal they killed. They act like this animal is a conquest of theirs and it is utterly sickening to me. This kind of behavior would never be accepted if it involved only people, i.e. people hunting other people just for fun. I hate that so many people believe that animals are inferior to humans. I hate that people forget we are animals as well. I hate that people believe animals don’t have emotions and that they aren’t capable of thought. What is the basis of this? People need to learn that just because something isn’t glaringly obvious to you or shown right to your face does not mean that it doesn’t exist. There are so many things about life and all that it contains that cannot be seen, heard or put in words. There are so many experiences that different species have that are not the same for other species.

Anyways, I’m so glad that I have my own beliefs and thoughts. I’m so glad that I haven’t fallen victim to other people’s belief systems and I’m so glad that I question everything. I’m glad that I want to understand as much as I can, and I’m glad that I’m also able to withstand being around people or groups that have values that are the opposite of mine without starting an argument with one of them. I cherish my inner world and it has guided me more than anything else. I spent so much of my life having no choice but to have a constant earful of unwanted advice and lectures from my parents. Yes I am opinionated but not in the same way that my parents were–to the point where they were completely closed off from considering different points of view. They were so damn inflexible and close-minded.

I’m glad that I now know that I am the key determinate of my own life. No longer am I a part of the crowd that believes external forces are in control of our lives. No longer am I stagnant in my beliefs and mindsets. Now I am so interested in change. I love change. I love transformation. I find that most of the time it’s positive. I do believe that when you are a kind person and when you keep an open-mind, life will reward you. I’m also glad that I’m not jaded into an imbalanced point of view on the positive end of things. I don’t think that people are bad for doing bad things or that “bad” things are to be completely rid of. Bad things are there for a reason. If we didn’t have the bad we wouldn’t learn about the importance of change or about just how great the good is when we experience it. There are so many people that believe the world is mostly comprised of bad things and that some things/people are just plain evil. I know that the key to enjoying life is to always try to keep it balanced. I believe there are just as many good things in life as there are bad, and that each requires the other to exist. I believe that people are mostly good but I’m also aware that everyone has the ability to do evil/to be a bad person. The thing that I’m getting at is that I believe there is always choice involved. I believe in free will. I believe that the individual has a lot more control over their life and how it turns out than what the media and other people have lead them to believe. I believe that there are some conditions and disorders that will never go away, but I also believe that there’s a lot people can do to cope with these things. I believe there is always room for improvement, but I also believe that some things just plateau and that that’s OK too. No one is perfect, and everyone has a reason for being the way that they are.

I am much more interested in dissecting the factors that lead to someone becoming a certain way and in being empathetic about that, than in fixating on the negative behaviors this person has had in the past or still has now. Everybody has a need for acceptance and love. I believe having a lack of that, and people growing up without having consistent and unconditional love, are the ones who come out damaged. I think that’s the fundamental cause of disorders. I don’t blame the individual. I do think the individual needs to take responsibility for their wrongdoings and needs to try to be better, but I don’t expect the individual to completely eliminate that behavior. As much as I hate when people say this, it makes sense to say now. It’s not realistic to think that people will completely eliminate certain parts of themselves that are there because of some deep rooted issues. I believe that if you give everyone a chance when you first meet them, if you are immediately friendly or atleast nice to a new person, it sets a good foundation. Not only does that person feel comfortable around you and feel warmth coming from you, but typically that person will also show the better sides of themselves to you. I know I’m getting vague here, but I don’t want to go into the details now. I’m interested in the bigger picture of life, but I also knows how important the details are as well. Nothing is to be discarded. OK end philosophical grandiose post HA.

      In the past two days I have been told *so* many traumatic stories coming from two of my coworkers. The first day it was from the coworker that I’m relatively good friends with, and she was mostly telling the other coworker while I was right there. I couldn’t help but think “Why is she telling this woman all of this? She just met her! How does she know it’s safe or smart to blurt all of this out right now?” while simultaneously absorbing all of the traumatic and wild things this woman grew up experiencing. She lost her Dad when she was about 16, and felt like it was her fault for a long time because the last conversation she had with him was one in which she exchanged mean words with him. She explained how her brother stopped talking to anyone for about 8 months after their father’s death, yet he would talk to her only at about 2 am most nights. A bit ago she had told me that she was raped, but did not go into details. She told me about all of the horrific stories from her previous jobs in the mental health field with violent individuals. She explained being attacked on multiple occasions, and she talked of several stories in which she held hands with people while they were dying.

I couldn’t believe how much she was sharing. I didn’t think too much of it when she told me because people tend to open up to me when I’m not expecting it. I was mostly shocked that she told this brand new coworker about most of the same stories. I noticed it happened a few days in a row, when it was the same 3 of us working together. I was trying to put it together. What is she trying to achieve by telling this woman all of these intense, highly personal stories? Why is she telling her this soon, essentially only days after first meeting her?

I used to be like this. I used to be that person that would spill my guts and upbringing stories to in one long slew almost immediately after meeting someone. I used to do it almost unconsciously. I don’t do that so much now, well atleast not with new people I meet that are coworkers. I have yet to really meet anybody new outside of work for awhile. I suppose I did tell my current boyfriend a hell of a lot of personal things when I first met him, but most of this occurred via chatting online. In a way I think I have more of a tendency to do this with potential boyfriends. I think without realizing it I’ve had a history of doing this with potential boyfriends because I am unconsciously testing them. I’m seeing if they are comfortable with my heavy and traumatic upbringing, because they will have to be if they are going to be with me. They’d have to be able to handle my random freak outs, the way that I am in arguments–which is just like the way my father was. I suppose I am testing them to see if they are open to hearing this stuff as well, and to see whether or not they are going to judge me. I’m also testing them to see if they are just as intense of a person as I am, because if they are they likely will take the stories in stride and/or will share traumatic stories of their own. I’m testing to see if they can and truly want to be with me, despite my baggage. I can’t pretend that that won’t come out at some point, I know that it will and I’d rather debrief the person right away instead of after the fact when it’s too late. 

I have only shared very small amounts of traumatic history with the residents I take care of and with some of my coworkers. I have never gone into detail though. I have never really explained the worst stuff and I have certainly never gone into detail enough for them to truly know what I’ve been through. I think with my new friend from work, who is extremely extroverted and outspoken, the half or so of my personality that is that same way, comes out when I’m around her. We laugh a lot, we make a lot of jokes and do and say a lot of ridiculous and silly things. We have fun. I am more expressive and open when I’m around her. I am much more like the person I was as a young kid–the extroverted one, who wanted to be friends with everyone, who was always laughing and being maybe a bit too open and friendly with complete strangers. I had a loud personality when I was little, and it is a lot less loud now.

I think after I’ve just worked with this friend a bunch, I kind of forget that I’m not that wicked extroverted person anymore. As primarily an introvert, I rarely share my true feelings and I rarely open up to people about my emotional background. I don’t talk very much about myself with most people, and I spend a lot more time listening to them. I keep a lot to myself and I keep myself very self controlled. I am guarded, but not so much that I don’t talk to or initiate interacting with anyone else. I have learned that when I opened up to much in the past, especially in workplaces, I have ended up being fired. I have ended up expressing my craziness a bit too much, and it must have made my bosses view me as emotionally unstable. It must have made them think I’d be incapable of being a good, balanced worker. 

I realize now that I don’t really trust people. I don’t trust that I can open up about my traumatic childhood at my workplace, even though I work for people that had very traumatic upbringings and life experiences themselves. I don’t trust my coworkers enough to open up to them there, because I feel that somehow sharing that information with them will end up exposing me too much, and I’ll lose my job. I fear that someone somewhere will open their mouth to the wrong person and the whole image my boss and other management employees will be shattered. I’d rather keep it so that they only see the good, balanced, well adjusted version of myself.

Maybe I have finally learned what is appropriate to say at work, and what is not. Maybe I have finally established the boundaries that I’ve been trying to establish for so long. Maybe I have become balanced enough now that I don’t need to pour my emotional baggage all over anyone that is around me. Maybe I have realized that it is not safe nor smart to share that info in that kind of environment. 

The next day the other, new coworker told me personally a lot of insanely traumatic information about her past experiences. She brought it up somewhat out of nowhere, and told me so much of it right before my shift finished and I left work. In a way it made me feel good that I give off the vibe that I can be trusted and that I will be understanding and not judge what I’m being told. In another way between hearing the two traumatic histories of these two women I work with, it changed my perspective on my own upbringing a little bit. In yet another way, it made me feel kind of bad in that I felt like if I shared my story to the same degree that they did, mine would seem like nothing. I felt like my story wouldn’t keep their attention as much and that they wouldn’t think I went through all that much. The difference between my story and theirs is that theirs contains a lot of very defined, actual traumatic events that involved things that most anyone would believe to be traumatic. They experienced loss of people close to them via those people dying, they experienced physical and sexual abuse, etc. In my story, it went a bit differently than that. I have never seen anyone die, or been physically or sexually abused. I have been severely emotionally abused, I was raised like I was a soldier in bootcamp, I lived under the roof of two parents who were much more messed up than the public eye would ever see. What I dealt with was *chronic*. I went through many traumatic events but since they were traumatic in ways that only I and my brothers can truly feel, I believe they would not be viewed as such by anyone else. My parents fought all the time, I mean every day for as long as I can remember, and they fought very badly. It always felt like it was on the verge of truly into physical abuse, or on the verge of someone attacking another. BUT mostly what occurred was this underlying, ongoing, insane pressure and expectation that I be perfect and always well controlled in manner and actions. There was also an ongoing expectation that I be the therapist. There was so much control, so much force, and so little freedom. I was symbolically yet essentially physically boxed up, kept home, kept inside around the family all of the time, to do nothing but constantly absorb the chaos that was around me. I observed a lot of it, and I personally went through a lot of it.

I have to leave for work now but, I wanted to say one last thing. As I was just writing my last passage I realized that what I just described is essentially the same dynamic that I’m in now except in a very different manner. I am working a job for disabled and previously abused people, and I am working with people who hold a lot of chaos in them and who share it with others. In a way I am still there, except this time I am not trapped in it, but I am doing the same thing. I am the observer, the absorber, the sponge that takes it all but rarely lets anything out of my own. Compared to them I look pretty fucking balanced, I seem much more put together, I likely seem like I grew up in great circumstances. I’m glad I appear this way to them, but I wish I felt safe in being able to share my stories with these women. I wish I could trust that they feel empathy for me like I have for them. I wish I could express that same baggage to them without it getting me in trouble in one way or another.

Hello there, whoever it is that actually reads my few and far between, extremely verbose and long blog posts.

I just wanted to write about some patterns that I’ve noticed, through various conversations with people, through my observations of people, through what I’ve noticed is being posted about and blogged about as of lately. 

I just got back from a short vacation from work and, well it was…interesting I suppose. Instead of actually decompressing, I kind of just spent most of those 6 days feeling and experiencing all of the thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t had the time to fully fell before I had this break. I slept until 2:45 pm the first day of my vacation, then the next day I slept until 3. I felt *really* funky after this. I figure I did get a lot of rest (even though I was going to bed at about 4 am those night and typically do stay up that late). The second day, when I slept until 3, I felt especially off. I went out to get breakfast with my boyfriend and, that was fine and all. After that we went to the Salvation Army. I picked out some things but then after some time put them all back because I realized I really didn’t want or need any of the stuff I picked out. He went over to a few stores over and I went to go meet him there after that.

On our drive home, I began to all of the sudden feel *very* depressed. It was this really hollow kind of feeling but so not hollow at the same time. I felt what I guess I could call this total lack of enthusiasm to do anything, but then I felt like shit about feeling that way. I felt like I had no enthusiasm or drive to do anything at all, but at the same time just as strongly felt so bummed out that I didn’t have any plans. I suppose I hate feeling a lack of enthusiasm or motivation because I have actually become a pretty enthusiastic, motivated person. Enthusiastic and motivated in my own particular way, of course. I don’t mean it in this traditional way, I mean that I am a much more positive person than I used to be. Even though I still have a great ability to critique things and I have high standards for a lot of things, I have still become someone that laughs a lot most days and can easily access my positive emotions. I have become much more of a positive thinker. This is why I think I was so exceptionally upset on that day when I felt so unenthused. In general I have very strong feelings and strong opinions about things, so I suppose when I have a day where I feel like that intensity is gone, it really gets me down. I’m used to making plans of my own, plans to do things by myself and I prefer them that way most of the time. 

I guess I also had this really strong realization that I don’t really have any solid friendships at all right now. I have two friends that I have been generally close to for the past couple of years, but I only seem them about once a month or less. We are all busy and so that’s most of the reason why. The other reasons why have a lot to do with big differences in our interests as far as what we want to do when we hang out, or not do. They always want to go out and party, to be with a ton of people in a very busy environment. I almost always want to just chill at someone’s house, with one or two friends only, and have good, fulfilling conversations. They’re primarily extroverted, and I’m primarily introverted.

I don’t think they think about this at all because that is another difference between these friends and I. They are so much less serious of a person than I am. Even though I laugh a lot, I view almost everything in a very serious and analytical manner. I don’t think they are very intellectual, and I’m not saying that they’re stupid either. I’m just saying I don’t think their day to day life involves all day serious thinking and analyzing like mine does. I guess when I thought about this fact, I felt like utter shit because I felt so beyond alone. I felt just how different I really am, and thought about why I have yet to meet another woman that is truly like me or functions like I do. I connect with my boyfriend pretty well, and have a fulfilling relationship with him but, it’s just not the same. I need to see my friends more often and to feel connected to them. I don’t want to constantly be so aware of the fact that I feel just as alien as I always have. I have gotten used to it but, when something draws attention to that stark difference, it sucks.

Anyways I have yet to get to the patterns that I wanted to write about. I just read some blogs that I’m following and I read a bunch of them over my vacation as well. I also had some very in depth conversations with the two of my brothers over this time too. What I have come to notice is that a lot of people have been feeling down lately, and they don’t really know exactly why that is. It seems like it’s some sort of energy that is floating around and bringing up everyone’s insecurities to themselves. It’s like everyone’s shadow self is drawing attention to itself via vivid intense dreams or just generally feeling emotionally low and disconnected from others. It’s pretty interesting actually. I felt it a bit even at the beginning of my shift this afternoon. When I came in and talked to two of my coworkers, I noticed that they both seemed kind of depressed and a lot less expressive than usual. This is definitely unusual of them because typically they are very outspoken and make a lot of jokes. I’m not sure if I was projecting on to them because I felt pretty down before I came to work today but, I don’t know it really didn’t seem that way. It really seemed like the two of them weren’t feeling so great either.

My shift improved as the night went on, and ended up being pretty amusing and pleasant overall. The shift ended really well because when the two overnight people came in, the four of us shared stories about the residents that we take care of. We all cracked up a ton about the ridiculousness of their behaviors. Everyone laughed a lot and it was really nice, even though it was based in us criticizing the residents. What we were saying was accurate though and really just sharing the irritating behaviors that they have. It was nice because many other times when the two overnight women came in, I felt like an outcast because my friend would talk to the two of them a lot and they’d connect, but I’d just be there awkwardly, not part of the conversation. 

Anyways I feel pretty decent right now even though I’m tired and honestly, experiencing withdrawal from one of my um…nightly habits. I just felt like writing. So hopefully somebody feels like reading this. Or not. I don’t really care either way right now ha 🙂

http://borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/07/the-quiet-borde.html

I have never been diagnosed with this, I’ve only been officially diagnosed with Mood Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, but I feel like this type of Borderline is one that almost always goes undiagnosed. Of course it does, because there are no outward, in your face behaviors to be physically seen as it is all turned inwards. 

I always turn inwards. My father taught me that to cry or express emotion other than anger was to be weak, and was wrong to do. He’d actually insult me, even after knowing why I was breaking down crying, and say things like “Get over it”, “Stop being a baby”, etc. He’d essentially tell me to stop expressing my negative emotions. Yet, he was allowed to run rampant with them and spread his venomous psychological issues all over anyone he was close to. 

I very rarely cry. When I feel like I am going to, I repress it until it goes away if I am around anyone. If I’m by myself, I might let myself cry for a long time, behind doors where I won’t draw any attention or sympathy from anyone. When I get that upset, I have conflicting feelings about what I need at that time. There is a pretty tradition pattern to the way it tends to happen. Typically, I’ll get in some sort of heavy or controversial discussion with someone I’m close to, which ends up playing out just like the arguments would that I grew up around all the time. First, the argument goes on for a long time. It starts out objective, I challenge the person’s thoughts/feelings if I don’t agree with or understand them, they take offense and get defensive, they attack me and say that my reasoning is based in my negative experiences with my father when I was growing up. Ok, I keep saying they, but 9 times out of 10 this is how it goes when these conversations happen between my boyfriend and I. 

Once he brings up that he thinks I’m saying what I’m saying because of how my dad treated me in the past, this is when the downward spiral begins with my emotions. I try to explain myself over and over again, it once again goes misunderstood, then I am told that I’m making him into the “bad guy” when I point out that he is bringing up a very sensitive topic when we weren’t even talking about that in the first place. I told him it was not appropriate to bring up my most sensitive issue, since I had not offered it up for discussion in the first place. People don’t get to bring that shit up whenever they feel like, unless they are being totally insensitive and are unconsciously or consciously trying to “get revenge” for whatever it is I said to them that offended them, even if I wasn’t even talking about them personally in the first place.

So anyways, this happened last night. And unfortunately, it happens every single time him and I have a heavy discussion about something controversial. We are both stubborn, we both have strong opinions, we both have baggage from our upbringings that clouds these discussions, we are both very sensitive, we are both pretty guarded, and thus it devolves from there on. I began to get very emotional at the end of it, and since he also has this method of bringing up my baggage, then saying he is done with the argument, it gets worse. After I start breaking down and actually expressing how upset I am emotionally outwardly (something I very rarely do), he tries to break the ice and interact with me normally again, and I reject that. Then, he walks away while telling me that he will see or talk to me later. I know it’s because he doesn’t know what else to do to fix things, but it hurts ten times more for someone to leave you right when you need them the most, and right after they just finished opening up some very old, very deep wounds.

Even once I can no longer keep myself from crying, and crying hard, for a long time, I’m *still* repressing the extent of it. I’m *still* trying to cry silently and I’m still trying to hide that I’m even crying in the first place. Even when I can’t keep my emotions under wraps anymore, I am still concealing it. I was taught that emotions were wrong and a sign of weakness, and I was consistently told that I was being illogical, or not using logic, etc. I also overheard my father saying this to my mother and my brothers on so many occasions I couldn’t even count them.

Later on, my boyfriend came back over to me again to try to console me. This time, he did it right. He came up behind me, and spoke quietly into my ear. He said, “I just wan’t to tell you that I love you and that I’m sorry if what I said hurt or offended you.” I was still really upset but I accepted his consoling from that point on, because it was now being presented to me in the form that I needed. He said many more sweet things to me, and I laid down and cuddled with him until I was out of tears. It was nice. I still felt guilty about even being the center of attention and about needing this kind of consoling for this amount of time. That’s another thing I was raised to feel–that I am not worthy of this kind of attention and that I shouldn’t seek or accept it. I shouldn’t even *need* it because I’m supposed to be strong minded no matter what. My father raised my brothers and I much like a drill sargeant would. We were forced and expected to be physically fit, like as much as a soldier would be. We were criticized, insulted, screamed at, hovered over, consistently made to feel never good enough. He did this intellectually and emotionally as well. We were forced and expected to be intellectuals, to be constantly analyzing everything, to be viewing and dissecting things in a purely intellectual way. We were expected to be emotionally in control all of the time. Anything else resulted in being called a baby, a sissy, a wuss, etc.

The job that I do does bring up old baggage and that makes it hard psychologically for me, but at the same time it’s the first job that I’ve had in which my personality and experiences were needed, and appreciated. I think that sometimes I overlook the toll that it has taken on me, I guess because I’m still in the same mindset of “toughing it out”. Toughing everything out, rarely taking breaks, rarely asking for help, rarely discussing my concerns with the people that need to hear them. I will likely always be this way.

I have definitely learned to be very independent in most cases, because I’ve had to be and because that kind of thing has kept me the most balanced and the most genuine. Genuinely, I am tough, I am patient and *very* tolerant. However, I am also very sensitive, very empathetic, and very emotionally and intuitively driven. These two sides of me seem to be in somewhat of a battle with one another. I think in general I balance them out well, but I think it also confuses the fuck out of most people. They think you have to be just one way or the other. As much as my father neglected me emotionally and was very tough on me, I still grew up to be a very empathetic person and I still grew up to be very guided by my emotions. I still find them very important, and I surely did not grow up to be cold or insensitive like I easily could have were I to only be a product of my upbringing. 

I’m not sure where I got this trait from since neither of my parents demonstrated this (maybe that’s why, actually), but I have grown up to be overly considerate of other people’s needs, and to be beyond considerate of disrespecting or hurting anyone in any way. Actually I just figured out why. I became this way because this is exactly what was expected out of me. I also did it out of extreme care for my parents and my family. There was so much dysfunction and so much misunderstanding. There was so much unhappiness and stress in my family. I wanted to be there for everyone and I wanted to protect everyone. It was hard as fuck to do that for everyone because on top of that, my parents always used me a pawn to fight with each other even more by fighting to be the “favorite” parent. They both tried to get me to be “on their side”. So, I grew up unassertive and extremely self-effacing. 

I had a mandatory staff meeting today at work. This trait in myself stood out so much, likely only *to* myself, but whatever. I contributed almost nothing, because the management staff were fighting to be in control and fighting to have the dominant voice or say in things. I could feel the tension, and the topic was also something that I’m not very involved with in a way, because it had to do with a resident that is coming back to live in our residential home. She is the most difficult resident we’ve had, and this resident chose me to dislike much more than other staff, so I avoided her as much as possible. She was very mean to me, very critical, rude, insulting, etc. She even flat out refused to accept my help for things at times. The way she treated me felt just like how my father always made me feel growing up, so that’s a huge reason I avoided her as well. It was just too painful, and the other residents love me and appreciate me. The other residents actually ask for my help specifically and express that they really like me and want to be around me. 

I guess I felt awkward at the meeting because it was supposed to be one between the head of the department and the staff, it was supposed to be him “addressing” the program/us, but it was mostly just him and other management arguing for most of the meeting. The actual staff very rarely got a chance to contribute info, as the bossy/aggressive/domineering management staff were taking up all of that space. I don’t think I really like the head of the department, because he doesn’t have a real clue how these residents are, who they are, or how things have really been at the program. I’d like to see him stay at the house for even a few days, especially after the worst resident comes back, so he can get a fucking clue before he starts having so much to say about how we should be acting. I found it really presumptuous, the way he was talking to us. I get why the other management people were arguing with him, because he was being ignorant and totally defending the resident, even though he has no real fucking clue how she has treated all of us. I just wish he would’ve shut up more and asked more questions and listened more to *us*. He should’ve spent the time observing and figuring out how to approach the problem, rather than proposing what should be done without even knowing the initial conditions. It just felt like a waste of time. Whatever. These are just more issues I’m having with people that are too aggressive, too bossy, too domineering, and essentially straight up hogs of attention and all conversation space. They don’t leave any room for quieter types to contribute because they’re too busy trying to control everything in their extroverted ways.

I’ve been meaning to write for awhile. I’m going to write about the things I wanted to a week ago or so, and then just go with whatever else comes up.

I’ve been working full time at a very hard job since August now. This is the longest I have worked *anywhere* I have been working there for 5 months now. 5 months really isn’t a long time to work at one place for the average person, but for me it is. Another thing is that this job is extremely physically and emotionally taxing. Other jobs I’ve had have been one or the other, but never both, and never to this extent. However, no job has been as physically or emotionally taxing as my life was growing up. My Dad was never in the military but with the way he raised us, you’d think he was. My Mom faded into the background, even though she was the breadwinner. As far as every other kind of influence/control went, my Dad took over all of it. He forced us to run starting at age 7, and forced us to continue running for as long as he was around us. He was our cross-country coach too, and all three of us were on that team (of course). So, he continued to control us through that as well as at home. Anyways, what I’m getting at is that no job and nothing else in my life was as tough as my upbringing. I can handle a lot because of it though, so I suppose it’s overall a good thing. Even though it caused me a lot of physical and emotional pain, even though I didn’t develop on time in some important ways, even though it caused me to develop mood disorders and to have long-term physical pain, I became tough from it. Oops didn’t mean to pull the past into my current life but my past definitely had a huge influence on the present.

Somewhat recently at this job I’ve been working at, I noticed that three out of the four residents and one of my coworkers started opening up to me *a lot* over the course of like one day. It felt like I was a therapist and I provided three or four talk therapy sessions for these people. It was draining yet interesting. I was shocked at how much they were telling me, especially in relation to the happenings of their traumatic pasts. I couldn’t believe how much they were telling me. I was shocked at some of it, especially what one of the residents told me, because I had no idea she went through such a fucked up childhood. She had never really talked about it before nor did she ever tell me that many details of super personal/damaging events.

Initially I felt a bit overwhelmed by this, but then later on I started to feel good about it. It made me think about why these people all opened up to me so much. It made me think that it’s likely because they trust me, because I have made it clear that I am an open, accepting, and empathetic person. It was nice to see some clear evidence of my influence on them. I frequently tend to think I don’t make an impact on people. I tend to think that I don’t influence them in any way. I guess I still think this way because when I was growing up I felt like my family never listened to me. I felt like my voice made no difference whatsoever, and I felt inferior to them because they made it clear that they thought they were superior. This taught me to believe I was inferior, and to kind of start actually acting like I really was inferior.

I don’t think a lot of people would agree with me in saying this but, I think people are more likely to really open up to someone who does not react super emotionally to personal things that they say. When people can tell that you don’t judge them, that you aren’t going to leave even if they tell you some really crazy shit or really show you the contents of their psyche, they are likely to feel comfortable totally unloading on you. A lot of times when people tell me really intense/traumatic things, I don’t get all dramatic in response. I tend to not even let them see how I am reacting to it. I keep a straight face, and I respond in a supportive yet practical way.

Personally, that is how I want someone to respond if I tell them something really intense or traumatic that happened to me. I cannot stand when people act even more emotional than you’re being when you’re opening up to them, or if you’re crying or something. I cannot stand the fact that a lot of the time if you cry in front of someone, especially the general public, they will respond to you like you’re a wounded child. They kind of freak out, make some super emotional facial expressions, and ask you if you’re ok or say “what’s wrong?”. I hate this. It draws attention to the whole thing when you do not want everyone around you to know that you’re crying, it makes you feel like crying is unnatural, and it generally makes you feel like you’re a baby or like totally insane for crying. Personally, I do not want someone to ask me if I’m ok or to get all emotional if I’m crying, and I definitely don’t want them being anything but discreet about the fact that I’m crying. I want someone to recognize my pain, but only someone that I’m very close to. I want that person to stay with me and maybe ask if I want to talk about it, and I want them to be the supportive/level-headed person that I need at that time. 

When the residents cry in front of me, I typically just listen to what is upsetting them, and I remain calm. I talk them through whatever it is, and I only say supportive things. In addition to that, I will sometimes say something to bring up the positive part of that situation. If they are crying and talking to me about their traumatic histories, at the end I will say something like “Well it’s a good thing that’s not around anymore right? Or I’ll say “It’s a good thing that that is no longer going on” or “It’s a good thing that you’re not in that situation anymore”. I say this to try to remind them that although those traumas really messed them up, that it is in the past and essentially, cannot fully hurt them anymore. It’s a somewhat cold thing to say, but not really if you say it at the end of the interaction. To me, it’s a protective thing to say. I’m trying to let them know that they are safe now, that things are better now than they were when those things happened. It’s also a way to remind them that they are not just the product of their traumas. There is much more to them and parts of them that those traumas cannot erase or take over. 

That’s the best word to describe how I’m feeling right now. It’s pretty nice actually, for once I’m not thinking about a ton of stressful shit. Right now I have a playlist of this really peaceful, calm, instrumental music going. I think that’s helping me a lot. I LOVE instrumental music. The lack of words is nice, I find it more relaxing because you can do a lot more thinking, talking, writing or whatever without getting overwhelmed by multitasking while hearing all kinds of “noise”. Sometimes I just want the quiet. Even if I’m listening to instrumental music, it still feels like I’m having some quiet time because I’m by myself and just listening to this really low key music. I’m realizing, or remembering rather, how much peace I need. I desire harmony. I try very hard to maintain it between myself and others and between myself and the rest of whatever environment i’m in.

Of course I desire harmony. I’ve been really attracted to the color teal lately. I want to buy clothes in that color, I want to wear it a lot, I want that color all around me. I was wondering why that is since I know that oftentimes we become attracted to the colors that correspond with the type of energy we need from the chakra which represents that particular color. I researched this, and then I thought about it a lot. I’m attracted to teal right now because teal is the middle ground between blue and green (which are currently my favorite colors). The blue chakra represents harmony, tactful and good communication, speaking your truth, self expression, truthfulness, and purpose. The green chakra is all about love. It’s about balance, compassion, renewal, generosity, and unconditional love.

This makes so much sense to me. All of those attributes are ones that I am first of all very focused on and interested in, second of all I very much need all of these attributes in my life right now, and third of all attaining these attributes will lead me closer to self-actualization. I truly believe in the existence of chakras as I have personally had several spiritual/visual experiences that proved this to me and I have had Reiki treatments in which I physically felt this spiritual healing even though I was hardly physically touched throughout it. I remember that when the healer was hovering over my face with her hands, I saw the colors purple and green. Throughout my life purple and green have been my favorite colors and I’ve been very attracted to them. This also makes sense to me. The purple chakra and the indigo chakra are the two uppermost chakras. They are the most spiritual chakras. The indigo chakra (third eye) has to do with intuition, mysticism, understanding, imagination, and following your soul’s path.

God I love this stuff!! I forgot for a little while how passionate I am about spirituality. I would say I am very spiritual. I used to meditate every day and I would read and talk about spirituality often. I think since then I have gone off my path a little bit due to being preoccupied with other things. Throughout the whole time though I still had the goal and desire to get back to meditating every day.

I had a spiritual experience a couple of weeks ago when I was at work. Granted I was beyond exhausted as I had only slept 2 hours of light sleep the night before, and had to go into work for 7 am. My shift went from 7 am-11 pm as well. And this shift was THE worst one yet, too. I ended up having a panic attack and dissociation, I felt all shaky, eventually I puked and then spent awhile feeling very weak and with an upset stomach and ulcer pain.

At one point I was by myself in the living room, sitting down, and I SWEAR TO GOD that I saw a spirit. It was a entity, it did not have a face or look human, it was just this spiritual mass that moved around in a swirling motion and was translucent in color. I spotted it on the wall that was about 20 feet away from me. I then focused on it and as I did this it began to come towards me in its swirling, slow motion. I began to be able to see more details in it. It’s hard to compare its appearance to anything I have seen in my typical physical reality, but it was very much like the substance that I saw when I tripped and had a very visual/spiritual experience. It was comprised on this kind of web-like material that swirled in several directions but was in a fractal design, with many layers. The pattern was a very tight/detailed stripe pattern. It was like the rings in a tree stump, the ones that represent the amount of years the tree has been alive. This experience was amazing. The most amazing part was that when I was truly open to what I was witnessing, it came over to me, I actually talked to it and said “I hope you’re a nice spirit” and “I see you”, and some other things I don’t remember. I extended my arm out and then extended out my index finger and it came right up to my finger, touched it, and swirled all around it. It had been so long since I last had a visual/spiritual experience and though I felt really terrible right before I spotted the spirit, I’m still glad that I was able to see it because my brain was in a state of hyper vigilance. I think that I was using more parts of my brain at that time because I had no energy reserves elsewhere.

I can’t say that I’m not afraid of death, I don’t think I’d even use the word afraid though. I’m curious about it, very interested in the soul, and actually am looking forward to the experience. This doesn’t mean that I’m looking forward to dying, I just have a feeling that the experience will validate my theories and opinions on this topic, and that will be really great. I’m sure it’ll be overwhelming but from all of the Near Death Experiences I have read about, most of the time their experience is extremely positive. Typically the person feels unconditional love, hears a voice that tells them that they are loved and that everything will be ok, and generally feels utter peace and acceptance.

I believe there is far too much inside each human and living organism for it to just vanish completely after the physical body dies. We have so much in our minds, so many thoughts, so many complex emotions, so many senses, so many abilities. Personally when I’m in my most spiritual state of mind I feel very full, I can actually feel the existence of my soul, and I can feel that my physical body is just a shell around it. This doesn’t make it any less important or amazing, it’s just certainly not all that we are. Our physical bodies themselves are amazing as well. It’s fascinating that we have SO many systems going all at once in a near perfect condition. We can survive an incredible amount of sicknesses, our bodies are extremely tough and work so well. Sometimes I just look at my fingerprints and I’m in awe. The intricate pattern of the prints, the fact that we all have unique patterns that are all this intricate. Our physical bodies are amazing machines capable of many things and extremely resilient as well as complex and highly organized.

I planned to write about a whole slew of other things but they were more negative. I didn’t intend on going in to this subject so much but I just went with the flow. I’ll write a separate post about the other things I wanted to write about. I want to leave this one off on a positive note.

I can’t really even remember the last time I posted or what it was about but, a lot has changed in the past couple of months. A lot of good changes. A lot of changes that have been needing to happen for a long time.

On the last day of June I moved out of my mom’s house (finally!) and into my boyfriend’s apartment. So I’ve been living here with him and his brother for a few months now. It’s been pretty great for the most part, other than being really overdue on electric and internet bills and other than all of us being broke and not being able to buy much food. Outside of those things it’s still oodles better than living with my mother and being utterly miserable, feeling like I’d never move out of Granby and like I’d never progress from where I was at. I now have a good job, which I’ve been working at for about two weeks now. It is SO different from all of the other jobs I’ve had, and though it is a lot more demanding in ways that are different than my other jobs, it is demanding in exactly the kinds of ways that I want to be challenged. It is mentally demanding and a bit physically demanding too. I’m the best at mental/emotional work anyways, and I could certainly use some improvements in the physical realm of my body/life, so it’s all good.

I also have a car now, too. I owe my mom a lot of money, as she bought the car outright for me and so I owe her half of what she paid. So I owe her about a grand and a half, and I owe her 50 something monthly for insurance. That is all ok because I’m making good money now. I got my first paycheck last Friday and it was like $330. Of course I ended up going on a shopping spree right after and didn’t realize I’d end up spending $145 in the first couple of hours after I cashed my check, but oh well. I REALLY needed a lot of the clothes I was finally able to buy, after being utterly broke for so damn long. I also contributed a big chunk of cash towards an overdue electric bill that we had. At this new job I make $11.40/hr. It’s pretty awesome, especially considering the fact that I was unemployed for the past two years before that, and even the last time that I was employed I only made $8/hr to do a really shitty food service job. We get paid bi-weekly at my new job, which is one downside if you don’t budget your paychecks very well (which I obviously didn’t this first time around, but I’ll learn). The next time I’ll get paid is this coming Friday. It’ll be a pretty nice check though.

Another good thing about this job is that it’s a set schedule of hours. Every week I work Sundays from 7 am-11 pm (yikes, 16 hours), Mondays 3-11 pm, Tuesdays 4-10 pm, Wednesdays I’m off except we have a 2 hour meeting each Wednesday, Thursdays 3-11 pm, then I’m off every Friday and Saturday. The 16 hour shift is a bit nuts but luckily the job is pretty balanced in terms of what is required throughout the shift. I’d say about half of the time there isn’t much to do and you can somewhat chill. The other half of the time you have to balance helping four different women who have brain injuries and spend most of their time in wheelchairs. All of them need help going to the bathroom (basically being transferred from their wheelchair to the special toilet chair things they use, and then back to their wheelchairs afterwards). Many of them need help to actually pull their pants down and we even have to wipe them sometimes too. This kind of help is the worst part of the job though, and it’s actually not so bad. All of them are pretty interesting people and they all have their own little quirky traits.

I’m developing friendships with all except one of them, the one who is the most disabled mentally and physically. The other women can hold their own weight if they have a bar or walker to hold on to at times, and they can communicate ok, even if it is hard to understand at times. The woman that is the worst off is extremely underweight and cannot hold herself up at all. She needs assistance to do everything. She needs a lot of help to get out of bed and into her chair, and it’s extremely hard to get her seated in it right because she also is very tense muscularly because of her condition. Often she is not seated right because it’s so hard to get her back right up against the back of the chair, and every time we have to help her do this she gets very upset too, so we don’t do extra adjusting because it would make her even more upset. I feel very badly for her, but at the same time she is a very finicky person and she essentially will not let us learn how to help her in the ways she wants/needs to be helped. We have to feed her, and she has trouble swallowing so if she is not fed in a very particular/careful way, she starts to cough for a long time and it’s scary. She is vegetarian and VERY particular about the foods/drinks she will ingest, and so for every meal a special meal has to be made for her. Luckily one of of my coworkers is just as particular/healthy food obsessed as she is, so she knows best how to placate her.

I have made friends with all of the other women easily because they are easy going and not super hard to please. Sometimes they are demanding but they are generally ok to be around. The other woman really makes it clear that she is not willing to be flexible in terms of how we can help her. She makes it really clear that it is unacceptable for us to have trouble understanding what she is saying, that it is unacceptable for us to ask her to clarify often, it is unacceptable for us to switch up who helps her, it is unacceptable for us to explain things to her that she has actually previously asked for us to explain. She is the only one that truly depresses me to be around. It’s not because she is the most disabled, it’s because she is a difficult person to please or get along with. I know what happened to her is a part of why she has become this way, but her behavior seems to be a deeply rooted thing that I am pretty sure was already there before she got sick. It’s just upsetting to be around her because it seems like she is actually trying to make it more difficult for us, in that no matter what we do it’s still not good enough or even mildly ok for her. She constantly does this verbal grunt thing when she gets upset, and she crosses her arms and closes her eyes and starts to cry or almost cry. It takes not much at all to make her get this way, and once she gets this way it’s even harder to help her. She is already being selective in who she wants help from too. She expressed the other night that she wanted to be fed by the same person and that she didn’t want it to keep switching. We explained to her that we had to switch up which coworkers help her because we have to make sure it’s  balanced and we all have to learn how to help her and how to help each individual in the house. This explanation was just disregarded by her and she just said it was not working for her. I totally understand that she is extremely unhappy and her quality of life is very poor. What I can’t be super understanding about is how she persistently lets it be known that she is only thinking of herself and she wants everything to perfectly appease her and her wants/needs. She refuses to bend at all and she refuses to take part in anything that isn’t within her fixed opinions/beliefs. Disabled or not, no one has the right to be that selfish or to expect that someone change everything to be just how they want it to be without considering the fact that there are several other people around that have individual wants/needs as well that are not the same as theirs. 

The newest woman to move in is definitely the sweetest, most appreciative resident in the house. She doesn’t ask for much, and whenever she does ask for help and we help her, she thanks us a lot and says she appreciates it very much. She is so polite and I could tell that from the minute I met her. I first noticed it just through her eyes. She has eyes that are not only pretty but they also emanate how good of a heart she has and how sweet she is. I’m so thankful for her presence in the house. I wasn’t sure how the four and final resident would be but now that I have met her I am so relieved to know that she will actually be the easiest resident to help. It’s really great that she has such a good attitude and she treats people very well, and that she is aware of the fact that the employees are here only to help her and that we care about people very much. The fact that she acknowledges this awareness and expresses it to us makes me feel good. She is essentially bed-ridden but she is still such a sweetheart. She talks like she is from a really rural area and I can relate to that. Her and I have talked about a mutual appreciation for nature and serenity. She has said many nice things about people she has known before and she has expressed her understanding and empathy for others.

I realize that talking about this woman in this way right after talking about the woman on the other end of the spectrum is an example of cognitive “splitting”, but I don’t mean to do that. I have just really noticed how different these two women are in terms of how they treat people and interact with them. Their life perspective seems to be very different as well, and I can’t help but notice and think of how one is the most difficult/hardest resident to help and the other is the easiest/most enjoyable resident to help. I’ve been working a lot, and this job/the residents are certainly taking over my mind a lot. I think about the residents a lot. I suppose I may be obsessing them a bit but I don’t see how I couldn’t when this is the first time I am working a job that heavily involves what I believe to be my best strengths/strongest interests. The core of my being and what it consists of is actually being used in a practical manner, and for the first time that is happening in a more appropriate place/with more appropriate people. For the first time I am helping people in need who I am not related to, friends with, or dating. The job is very interesting and I feel like I am finally succeeding in a job and it is the right fit for me. It certainly could be more psychologically based to be even more suitable to my strengths and would then fit me even more, but regardless this job is still the closest I have ever been to using my skills. It is very rewarding and challenging, and it is also varies between being enjoyable and being difficult.

Anyways I did not intend to write a gigantic post that is almost entirely about my new job, but apparently that is what my mind has been focused on and most affected by in terms of the new changes in my life. On a few different occasions in the past week or so I had a few realizations. One time I was driving and all of the sudden I thought, “Wow I have all of the things I thought I’d never have before. I have a good job, a car, and am living independently from my family”. Another time as I was coming back home from work I thought “You know I have it pretty good”.

This job and the changes in my life have put A LOT of things into perspective for me, and it has hardly been overwhelming to me in the way that I thought it would be. I was afraid of all of these changes before and how they might go, I didn’t believe I could handle them, I didn’t believe I was able to maintain these things never mind actually achieve them at all. Everything has transitioned pretty damn smoothly. I’m not saying it hasn’t been hard at times, or that I haven’t been really tired from it all. I’m just saying that things have finally changed for the better and that all in all I really like change. It has proved to be positive to me in the grand scheme of things.

 

    There are a few lines/thoughts I had over the past week or so that came to me at times when I wasn’t by a computer or a notepad. I told myself I’d write them down when I got back. In fact I think I was on a long walk by myself both of these times I’m thinking of. I was just reading about introverts yesterday (again, I do frequently), and I think I remember the article saying that introverts have their best and most creative ideas or thoughts when they’re alone. That is very true about me. I still feel like I fall somewhere between the two extremes but I do have a lot of needs that are the same as the ones most introverts have. Now I’ll get into those two different thoughts I had. They came on as somewhat of a writing inspiration in that they were relatively poetic, but mostly they came on because I had some time to have some clarity and space to gather my thoughts. I’ll just write them both down now without writing anything other than the thoughts.

1.) Sometimes I just want to lay down and curl up with the earth, pull the grass up out of its roots in the soil, and lay under it. A blanket of earth. A place of serenity and a place to connect deeply with the element that is undoubtedly real in the most fundamental sense. 

2.) Relationships enrich our lives. They bring comfort and understanding. A real sense of belonging in the times that we spend with those we relate to and share a deep bond with. Relationships lighten the weight of life, yet they deepen our lives as well. We find what truly matters, what is essential in life. We find that place where we are genuinely loved and accepted. These connections remind us that even though we often feel we don’t belong, we really do belong with others that we have a mutual understanding with. We find that we are free to share our thoughts and feelings and they will be listened to, they will not be judged. Often not much will be said back, but simple expressions and gestures let us know that they understand. And that is enough.

 

 

It’s close to 4 AM right now and I’m having serious trouble sleeping, it’s really pissing me the fuck off. Every time I switch sleeping positions something different on my body hurts, muscles that I am laying right on or straining just by being in that position. I have to wake up early tomorrow as my brother is coming to pick me up so that him and I can bring our dog Maddy to get euthanized. She’s been doing pretty badly lately and it’s sad, she’s such a sweet dog but it is her time to go. It would be unfair of us to keep her alive and suffering when we can tell that just basic movement/functions are exhausting/nearly impossible for her now. I feel some guilt though about how much she’s declined in health since I moved out of my mom’s place (where Maddy still is). I know it’s irrational for me to think I should’ve stayed there for Maddy’s sake because I was utterly miserable there, but I know that me leaving is a chunk of why she hasn’t been doing well. I provided a lot of the social/nurturing needs for my dogs, I took them on nice long walks and I let them off their leashes so they could run free. I was very gentle with them, I felt a special bond with them. I feel more similar sensitivity and need-wise to my animals than I do to my fellow human beings. I know they are even more sensitive than I am, they just feel it in even more internally than I do–since they can’t verbalize their needs or discuss their problems. Then again I’m not very good at doing either of those things myself.

Last night I caught myself thinking a whole slew of negative thoughts. About so many different things. I kept doubting a lot. Thinking “How can I be sure that I’m on the best or right path in my life right now”? “People cannot be enough for other people. We all struggle just to keep our own sanity, and when we’re really stressed we can barely be receptive to relieving others. We can’t truly give someone our full attention in regards to their emotional turmoil, when so much of the time we are consumed by our own stressors.

I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what is right or what the right way for me to live is. I don’t know if I’m being selfish by moving in here with Zak, after knowing how much he struggles financially and how I still have no income. My quality of life is a bit better now than when I was living with my mom but I’m not getting that much better at being productive or feeling motivated with job related things. I still feel it takes so much of my energy just to keep myself afloat emotionally. I feel that my emotional storage functions much like my financial bank does. I’m constantly draining it just to get by, but nothing is going into it. There are rare times that I do some things that increase my emotional strength, but they don’t last for very long. The weight of my thoughts/feelings/level of sensitivity is much greater than the small improvements that I make.

I’ve also been feeling hopeless again. Feeling like the things that I need to change aren’t going to be changed, thinking that if I have to move back in with my mother I will likely attempt to kill myself or will give up entirely and return to the same state I was in at my absolute deepest depressive episode. Still doubting my ability to hold ANY job, nevermind a job that is actually suitable to my skills and in alignment with my personality. Greatly doubting my ability to even GET a job, let alone an interview. I still feel next to no relief or sense of accomplishment even when I do make small progress or meet small goals in relation to my job search. Nothing will give me that feeling until I actually get a job that I can handle and that I can function well enough at so that I won’t get fired again.

I feel I cannot meet my own standards, and it really bothers me that a handful of these standards did not originally come from me as an individual. Many are from my dad. Ones I heard so damn much about that I still can’t stop internalizing his expectations, I still can’t shut off what are actually HIS criticisms and HIS way of letting me know that I’m inadequate. I can’t get these thoughts and expectations out of my head and I can’t communicate them to others because they don’t understand the concept. They’d say simple shit like “Well just ignore those thoughts” “Just focus on other things” “Don’t be so hard on yourself” “It will get better”. I’m sorry but none of that shit helps whatsoever.

In fact it makes it even worse to know that no one is willing to or capable of just fucking listening or simply validating how you feel. Validating that you go through a lot in your own head even though you don’t have the same exact obvious stressors like other people. Validating that just staying sane and staying alive is a job in and of itself, and that I don’t need to have a job to qualify for feeling so intensely like this. I also really hate that nobody really fucking asks how you’re doing, what’s been going on in your head, what have you been thinking about lately. If they do ask how you’re doing they don’t really want to hear the truth. They want a positive or neutral answer that is extremely brief. They don’t really want to listen. People are so shitty at this sort of thing. People suck at noticing that you’re struggling, people aren’t attentive enough to recognize when someone needs emotional support or someone to just express that they genuinely want to hear how you’re doing. Most people just want to talk about their own feelings or thoughts with little regard for the status of these things within other people.

If I have to fucking ask you to inquire as to how I’m doing or if I have to blurt out every single bad thing I’ve been thinking and feeling in order for it to be noticed or acknowledged at all, then fuck it. People should be more mindful of how other people are doing, and they should be less obsessed with their own thoughts and feelings. I’m including myself in this, but I still feel like I’m more attuned to and aware of the signs of emotional distress than the average person. I still feel like I absorb every one else’s moods, so much so that I sometimes just want to tell people to look outside of themselves occasionally and to invest some energy in the state of other people’s minds.

I know that I’m part of the problem here, that’s for sure. I know that my expectation of other people sensing what I need is a sign that I have weak boundaries. I know that I expect people to sense them and be attuned to how I’m feeling because I suck so much at regulating my own emotions and I need their help. I know it’s because I have spent large portions of my life feeling ignored, disposable, worthless, and inferior.

It would just be so fucking nice if people could sometimes pick up on when I’m not doing well and if they would ask me about it in an unassuming and gentle/patient way. It’d be so nice to finally see that other people are paying attention to your psyche, to finally know that they believe your struggles to be valid whether or not they can personally feel if it is reasonable or not. If someone would just inquire about my emotional state, if someone would recognize that I struggle so much with outwardly expressing how I really feel and think in all of its complexity, so much so that they’d put in some extra effort to help break me out of my emotional prison.

Maybe that’s asking too much. I know these are all really high standards, and I know that I don’t provide other people with these same things I’m asking for on a regular basis. The fact that I hardly ever get some space and time to just open up about the intense things in my head makes it so hard for me to give people the same thing when they need it. I generally will validate their struggles a little bit after they talk to me about it, like through a text or something. I have so much repressed and recurring emotional shit going on in my head on a regular basis that I often just listen to people like a therapist, I just say yeah once in awhile or ask a question that follows up on the topic. Lately I’ve just been saying yeah or nothing at all because I don’t have the fucking energy or extra emotional energy to be genuinely empathetic and present. I’m screaming in my head for someone to notice that I need their emotional support, but of course they can’t hear it. So instead I just remain quiet and listen to them go on and on about their problems. I don’t feel I get the same amount or quality of interest/support.

I know so much of what I just wrote about, what I’m struggling with, are things that only a good therapist could really help with or provide. I know I need to get a therapist again, I need to find a good one, I need to go to therapy relatively often. I have put off pursuing this because now that I’m done with umass I can’t get the same easy/cheap access to psychological health services. I’ll likely have co pays again, of $20 for each therapy session. I also don’t even know where to start to FIND a good and nearby therapist, that I will be able to walk to or take the bus to. I think of this stuff as secondary to my job search, which it really isn’t, especially because that isn’t even valid because I’m not really prioritizing getting a job or focusing on it either. And I think not having a therapist is just making it even harder for me to focus on and feel motivated to regularly look for/apply to jobs. But I have this thing in my head that makes me not exactly able to act on both of these things or even able to try hard for a therapist too when my mind is so damn consumed with knowing I need a job very badly.

It’s 5 AM now, I have to be up in 5 hours to do something depressing and stressful, then a few hours after that i have to do another stressful/draining thing. I feel a little less irritated now that I just wrote for a fucking hour straight, so I suppose I’ll try to go to sleep again now.

I know this whole thing is likely totally irrational and ridiculous. But that’s how emotions go and I have too many of them so it’s really nothing new to me. It’s 5 am now and I’m fucking seething. I feel so enraged and neglected and only because my boyfriend just spent several hours with one of his really good friends, all the while leaving me alone in what is now (our) room. I thought he would come in awhile ago, but he was out for many hours.

This extremely small thing which likely doesn’t mean anything, just set off a huge set of negative thoughts for the past few hours. Critical thoughts towards myself and towards him. Feeling resentful of the fact that he’d rather be with his friend than me and how it seems like he has so much fun with him but not with me. They laugh so much together. I’m jealous of anyone that can make my boyfriend laugh like that.

I started to think about why he might be choosing his friend over me. I started to find several reasons why I was the cause of this because of my personality. I started to think about how I’m a very critical person, both of myself and towards other people, especially ones I’m close to. I’m also pretty fucking serious too much of the time, and I have next to no tolerance for repetitive fucking stupid jokes and conversations. I complain a lot, a lot of the time I’m dissatisfied or uncomfortable either emotionally or physically or both at the same time. I think I might also come off as arrogant at times, which is hilarious in a way because I have such incredibly low self-esteem.

Any arrogance I emit is just arrogance I internalized from spending so much of my life around the most arrogant, self righteous person I know–my father. He is so convinced that his opinions and thoughts are superior to everyone else’s, he talks down to people a lot, he’s really damn harsh and emotionally abusive, he cuts people off a lot during conversation, he’s mostly just interested in 1 way conversations anyways. He literally expects that no one ever disagree with him and for people to just be passive and listen to him go on and on and on. 

Now I take responsibility for coming off as arrogant, don’t get me wrong. The thing is, I don’t really ever feel like I sound arrogant or am being arrogant, because most of the time I feel like it’s obvious to outside people that I’m low on the confidence scale. A person that mumbles and rambles often, can’t really be arrogant in my opinion. An arrogant person is generally a very aggressive person who speaks excessively loudly and just excessively in general. A person that is mostly concerned with making it clear that they know best and that everyone else is wrong or inferior. I know that in arguments I can get arrogant but even then I have to be TOLD that that’s how I come off before I can ever notice it, and that doesn’t sink in for a long time either. I literally don’t feel I am being any particularly aggressive way in an argument. It’s almost like I entirely channel my father in arguments, I mirror what I saw/heard for so much of my life.

I’m really tired of feeling misunderstood and not liked/wanted, and of feeling like other people are more liked/wanted than I am. Like, in fucking general. I feel I try pretty damn hard to be a nice person but it’s like that fact is overlooked because what people pay attention to is your LOUD, NEGATIVE behavior. Most people are too self absorbed or don’t think very deeply about how other people might truly be or feel. It’s like the surface behavior is enough, when it really isn’t. I’m tired of people not wanting to learn more about other people, tired of so many people seeming to have simple minds with transient and light emotions, tired of people being nowhere near as sensitive as I am. It’s like nobody fucking gets it and I envy how it must be to be emotionally balanced. But at the same time being emotionally balanced sounds fucking boring to me. I like extremes in a way. But of course the negative ones suck and come around too often, and I feel like I wanna punch a hole through a wall or I’ll cry until I can’t anymore–feel like it’s the end of the fucking world and that I’m totally losing it.

I want to be lighter–emotionally, socially, physically, mentally….

But the core of me is anything but that, as I’m composed of mostly dense, heavy thoughts and feelings…and I think that’s a big reason that my actual body feels like a weight to carry. I don’t really know what relaxed muscles are like. Or what walking at a relaxed pace is like without having to try so hard to do so. Or what it’s like to be able to make simple decisions easily, or to be able to get over emotional upsets quickly or easily.

I feel I have to fight myself often, and I don’t often win. Whatever way my emotional/mental self is being at any given moment, governs my behavior. I’m not even a fighting type person. I fucking hate fighting. I hate conflict, tension, other people expressing aggression of any sort. I avoid it at all costs. Part of this is likely because I have enough to battle in my own head whether or not anything is even happening. It would be really stupid and make no sense to confront people all the time or to be assertive about all of the times that I feel mistreated in some way. So instead I just stuff it down with all the other shit. Then after awhile I just implode and have my little mini meltdowns all by myself. It’s better that way.

Trying to resolve actual issues or relationship problems with other people almost never goes smoothly and most of the time I just end up feeling a lot more stressed, pissed, and fucking misunderstood than I felt to begin with.